The Game of Life
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: What if life were just a matter of luck in the end, like in the board game of the same name? What if lies led to a truth nobody would have ever thought about? WK fic.
1. Prologue

_**March 2004**_

**Status: engaged**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: none**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates but more and more tempted by Countryside Acres**

**Life tiles: meeting the right man, at the right time**

_"Life is a game but there is no place for losers. You have to win, at any price. Forget all the rest. It is your turn, now." Lois Whitley._

Her eyes travelled from her lap to her hair, studying quietly every single detail, the subtle red of her lips and the way her dress embraced her collarbone with delicacy. The image sent back by the mirror couldn't have been more perfect but yet a weigh was nonetheless pressing on her throat and it wouldn't go away.

She cast a glance at the empty chair by her side and swallowed hard.

"Are you ready?"

Her hazel gaze found her friend's. She frowned, troubled and confused when she had looked so calm until now.

"She has never attended any of them and we all know how they ended. She isn't here today either so what if it were a sign? Perhaps we should call off everything. It is not like it is indispensable anyway. I can keep on living without it."

A few seconds of silence passed by, slowly, until Grace finally managed to react. She cleared her voice to hide a nonetheless obvious nervousness and sat down on the empty chair.

"But what if it were the right time, the right man? The previous ones might have been mistakes or experiences that were supposed to lead you to this one when you would understand how different it was."

"You really want me to go through it, don't you?"

"No, Karen. I just want you to be happy and I know that if you pass this door without calling anything off, you will."

Grace pressed her hand in a supportive motion but it resulted cold and bare. Her heart was pounding loud in her chest. She felt dizzy.

She wasn't a novice and had always experienced a bit of apprehension in the past but the sensation was different this time. It was something deeper, stronger; more abrupt. Her blood was boiling in her veins like a torrent of anger where doubts and frustration got mixed in a terrifying, oppressive silence.

"She should be here, by my side."

Her smile broke down as a veil of tears covered up her eyes. She leaned her forehead against the palm of her hand _ ignoring the makeup she had taken time to apply meticulously _ and abandoned herself to her sobs.

It had never sounded fair but she had accepted the rules with a determined quietness. The years had passed by and turned the awkwardness of the first hours into damaging habits she would never be able to get rid of properly. She had restrained everything, buried it all in the darkest corner of her mind and moved on with a disconcerting detachment.

It had worked out, at some point.

"You refused to send her an invitation…"

"I know what I did, Grace. There is no need to remind it to me."

"But you regret it now."

The situation was dangerously heading into one of those heartbreaking moments she hated so much.

She needed to calm down.

"When I was still a child, she used to tell me that nothing happened by accident; that there was always a reason, even if unclear. And there couldn't be any defeat unless I decided to resign which actually meant that I agreed to die. Do you think that she was right?"

"I guess what she was trying to say is that you have to fight if you want a good life and most of your success lies in your hands."

"Personally I think it is more about winds and how the wheel of fortune can suddenly stop turning. I have never told her what my thoughts were on the matter. We are complete strangers and yet she is my mother."

"Do you want to call her now?"

The door flew open and Jack appeared on the frame. He was breathless and seemed panic.

"Don't you know that some people are waiting for you outside? What are you doing?"

But soon enough he noticed Karen's absent smile and how her eyes were red, vaguely puffy now she had cried.

"Is everything alright? Do you want me to ask…"

"Give us five minutes and I will be fine."

Jack closed the door with confusion and a barely hidden discomfort but didn't insist, let them alone.

"What if he isn't the right one?"

Her fingertips made contact with a Chanel lipstick. It was a deep, sensual red that emphasized the fairness of her complexion with a subtle elegance; a very feminine one. She looked at her reflection in the mirror and proceeded to reapply.

Grace stood up and looked around, taking her time before giving her a proper reply. Her eyes stopped on a bouquet of purple tulips beautifully arranged in a crystal vase. It seemed so perfect.

"The winds change their direction. The wheel of fortune stopped on a number. You got your new cards. This is the game of life, Karen. And it is your turn, now."

The sentence danced in her head, sweeping away the dust over a broken reminiscence. She let it do, with calm, and waited for it to reach her heart.

The sensation was warm.

She stood up, nodded to Grace and rearranged her wedding dress. The door got opened. She took a deep breath and made a step forward into her life; towards Will's reassuring smile.

He had to be the right one.


	2. A Summer Deal

_**July 2003**_

**Status: married**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: an Upper East Side penthouse, a country house in the Hamptons, a beach house in the Bahamas**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates **

**Life tiles: weekly visits to the federal jail of Brooklyn, addiction to alcohol and pills, endless socialite parties**

_"A marriage is a strategy. It is boring, depressing and terribly fake but yet indispensable if you want to success. For the fun part of life, go to your friends." Lois Whitley._

A cab passed in the street and splashed the sidewalk as the driver didn't avoid a large puddle on the asphalt. The drops got mixed with the pouring rain that was still falling and for a few seconds, it seemed that Manhattan was victim of a strong tempest.

Abandoning the contemplation of the random fact, she turned back her gaze towards him and restrained a sigh of boredom. The place was crowded _ babies were crying in the background_ and the usual smell of coffee was covered up by the infernal brouhaha of the percolators; an old tune played on some local radio.

Trapped between two strollers and soaked wet umbrellas, Karen would have given anything to run away. At least the rain would have provided fresh air to her lungs and the soft melody of the drops would have rocked her ears.

But instead she was there, sat at some sticky table with Will.

"What do you want from me? Obviously you didn't ask me to see you here just to have some undrinkable coffee, forcing me to leave the house when it is raining."

Her remark made him smile so she did as well, showing thus implicitly that he had to take her words to the second degree. It always worked like that between the two of them. She wouldn't have been able to say why but since the very beginning they had adopted this odd behavior towards each other and through the years it had simply become a reassuring habit.

"Have you ever heard about Larry Fins?"

"Sure… His family basically has the monopoly over the oil industry. Why are you asking me that?"

Will looked surprised by her confident reply but barely showed it and took a sip of his coffee instead.

"He is one of my new clients. Small need is to say that he is a very, very important one. His fifteen-year-old daughter has to come to Manhattan this summer for some art classes but since Larry thought that she was too young to stay at some student residence, he asked me if I could welcome her at my own place."

"And you are asking my permission to do so?"

"He suggested it so that his daughter remained in a family scheme; thought that we would be perfect for that. Me and my wife…"

Of course it made her laugh, lightly but nonetheless instinctively. She took a sip of her coffee, made a face and raised her eyebrows, amused.

"How can he think that you are straight?"

"I think that homosexuality isn't something that crosses his mind very often. Besides, he knows that I live with a woman. I suppose that he assumed we were actually married, not just roommates and friends."

"Fair enough for some Conservative man from the South, indeed… But I still don't understand why I am here. You could have told me about that over the phone and I would have played it all along whenever I would have seen you and Grace; and his daughter."

"Madeline _ it is his daughter's name_ arrives on Saturday. Grace leaves tomorrow for San Francisco and she won't be back before the end of August since her interior design conference is going to take place all along the summer."

"Good point…"

Though for the very first time since the beginning of the conversation, her voice had sounded hesitant before what looked like more and more evident.

"I need you to pretend to be my wife, Karen."

The heat rushed to her cheeks but she ignored it or at least let him think so. For some reason his request had stirred up a veil of timidity and she felt embarrassed now. She cleared her voice, looked down at her coffee, moved nervously on her chair and finally bit the inside of her mouth to be sure that it was happening in real life; that it wasn't just a bad dream.

"You might have forgotten a small detail, Will. I am actually married. Besides, we would pretend for a whole month? We are going to kill each other after three days of such absurdity. You have lost your mind, haven't you?"

"Grace won't be here and Jack has already left on this cruise. Besides, your husband is in jail so did you really have any summer plan for this year? Maybe you wanted to be with Olivia and Mason…"

"Don't be stupid. They are with their mother, just as they should."

"So am I crashing down your imminent projects for the month that has to come? Unless you really appreciate the loneliness and emptiness of your penthouse…"

His last comment was low but since she didn't want to face this kind of conversation again, she ignored it completely and took another sip of her undrinkable coffee.

"I hate teenagers."

"And I prefer men but everybody doesn't need to know about it, especially when it comes to my career."

"Why would I do it, anyway? Give me a good reason to accept this absurd deal. As much as I like playing, there are still some limits to my games."

"Valentine's Day on Shelter Island…"


	3. A Matter of Sides

**Status: double-married or so**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl, responsible for a third one, another girl**

**Properties owned: an Upper East Side penthouse, a country house in the Hamptons, a beach house in the Bahamas, a cabin in Vermont, fake owner of an Upper West Side two-bedroom apartment**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates **

**Life tiles: weekly visits to the federal jail of Brooklyn, addiction to alcohol and pills, endless socialite parties, fake marriage to a gay friend**

_"Let them believe they are right, that you are only here so that they get satisfied. Who cares? As long as you know that it is a lie…" Lois Whitley._

It hadn't crossed her mind. Actually, she had barely thought about their deal more than a few seconds. The days had flown away and before she had had time to analyze the situation properly, she had packed and headed to Will's place to pretend to be his wife. So it sounded rather logical _ now that she was standing before the object of her wonders _ that they would share his bed.

For a whole month she would lose hold over her intimacy, just as he would. The idea was extremely stressing.

"Do you have any favorite side? I have cleared both nightstands, unsure of what your preference was. Pick the one you want and I will settle with the other one."

His obvious comfort before what was about to happen took her aback and she nodded shyly, not really knowing what to say. It looked like a sarcastic portrait of marriage, maybe not that far from the real aspects of it though.

"I don't know… My bed is very large at home so I happen to find myself rather in the middle of it."

"But before Stanley got arrested, you probably had your side. Every couple does, no?"

As the heat rushed to her cheeks, she looked down intently at the floor and took a deep breath. She hadn't arrived an hour earlier that yet Will had mentioned _ involuntarily though_ an embarrassing aspect of her life.

"Well… As a matter of fact, I have never shared his room. Yet it barely happened during our honeymoon."

Before her friend's silence Karen moved on and walked towards the right side.

"I will take this one. Aren't you going to be late? I thought you would pick her up at the airport. The traffic is very dense at this hour of the day."

"I am leaving, you are right. I just wanted to be here when you arrived. Unpack your things _ you have a whole part of the closet_ and well, enjoy your new home. I don't ask you to play the perfect little housewife either. Just be yourself but with more tact. She is only a teenager. Remember that."

It didn't take her very long to unpack her travel bags and put down a couple of things on her nightstand. She couldn't help wondering what he would think about all those little details about her life he completely ignored, like the title of the book she was reading or how she enjoyed staying in bed for so long in the morning.

Perhaps it wouldn't even work out and their little farce would break down into pieces miserably. She did care about him but was it enough to fool someone and make this person believe she actually was in love with Will?

She had come to the apartment more times than she could ever count but something had changed all of a sudden in her relation to the place as if she had never stepped in before, never spent a single minute there in the past. It still looked cozy but not as comfortable as it had been at some point.

She noticed a picture in the living-room by the fireplace. It had been taken a couple of years before though she couldn't remember where. It was just her, next to Will, and she was holding his hand. She studied it intently and came to the unexpected conclusion that the image sent back by the picture was rather convincing and they did look like a couple. They were even cute like that, together. A veil of timidity seemed to have spread over their sentiments and the subtle gesture of their intertwined hands was the only symbol of their delicate relation.

She made her way to the kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine. Will had baked an apple pie. It made her smile. With his natural arrogance, he would never hide the fact that he was the one who stood in the kitchen and certainly not his so-called, not typical at all wife. Somehow it was better like that because she hadn't cooked in a very long while.

As the minutes passed by, her anxiety grew up and her heart began to pound loud in her chest. She stepped on the terrace _ taking deep breaths of air _ and observed the skyline. It was a sunny day but one of those unbearable ones when Manhattan turned into a boiling mix of heat and smells. There wasn't any breeze and you felt sticky all the time; almost dirty.

The door got slammed in the background. She swallowed hard.

"Karen, are you there? I am back, with Madeline this time."

A chill ran down her spine. She ignored it, bit the inside of her mouth and walked back into the living-room with a large, bright smile on her lips.

When she had turned eight years old, her mother had insisted so that she took drama classes. She had abdicated _ one more time _ but never enjoyed them properly. With the years passing by, she had forgotten why standing in front of people and pretending to be someone else had always sounded reluctant to her but now that she was there _ before a blond teenager _ everything came back to her mind.

She just couldn't stand stage fright.


	4. Madeline and Olivia

**Status: double-married or so**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: an Upper East Side penthouse, a country house in the Hamptons, a beach house in the Bahamas, a cabin in Vermont**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates **

**Life tiles: weekly visits to the federal jail of Brooklyn, addiction to alcohol and pills, endless socialite parties, fake marriage to a gay friend**

_"Take a deep breath, look at them straight in the eyes and keep on smiling. There isn't a man on Earth who can resist women's charms." Lois Whitley._

She looked lost. Her big blue eyes and her fair hair didn't match at all with the outrageous makeup and the black clothes she had chosen way too large for her tiny frame. It seemed that she wanted to disappear but yet owned a strong presence and you couldn't help looking at her as soon as you happened to be in the same room.

She had a lot of self-confidence but obviously ignored it.

"Welcome to New York, Madeline. I hope that you will enjoy your stay with us."

The smile resulted shy _ polite enough _ but for a couple of seconds it lit up the young girl's features and she almost looked relaxed, happy.

Will took her travel bags and led her to Grace's bedroom, leaving thus Karen alone with her deep apprehension. She didn't feel fine and her heart was pounding way too loud. Her mouth was dry and if she had actually managed to let go of her dress, she would have realized how her hands were shaking now.

Luckily enough Will came back almost immediately; a bright smile on his lips.

"Do you want some apple pie? If you could brew the tea I have just bought, it would be nice."

She followed him mechanically to the kitchen and filled the kettle with water without saying a word. His apparent comfort was disturbing to her; no mattered it was his own place and they hadn't really behaved as a couple yet. But he seemed to enjoy it all when she could barely breathe properly without panicking.

"She looks nice. Odd style but nice…"

They kept on whispering for a few minutes until Madeline reappeared shyly in the living-room. She was still wearing her ankle-length black dress but had taken off her platform shoes and seemed to appreciate going barefoot instead.

"May I help you?"

"No, you are our guest. Please just sit down. The tea is almost ready and I have just cut the apple pie. Come on, Kare."

Before she could articulate the slightest reply she felt his hand slide on her lower back, guiding her towards the couch. She didn't blush, just smiled before a gesture that hadn't happened to her in a very long while.

Against all expectations the afternoon went very smoothly, as well as the dinner. Madeline might have been timid but she had a bright personality and dedicated an impressing love to art for her young age. Whenever she talked about a painter, her eyes began to shine and the words just came out by waves.

They spoke a bit more and finally called it a night. Will being at work, Karen would bring her to her classes the next morning. With Grace's absence, she only had to stop by for a few hours in order to check the mail and answer to the messages but the office being empty she didn't have to stay there for the whole day either.

Will closed the door of his bedroom and as she found herself facing him, another wave of panic spread over her mind. They had never been so close, never shared such degree of intimacy and even less agreed quietly over playing with appearances. As much as they had punctuated the day of intertwined hands and soft smiles to each other, it was odd to go on with nobody witnessing it. It sounded vain and yet necessary, just in case.

She headed to the bathroom first but didn't take her time either. She was nervous, stupidly enough and for a reason she couldn't really tell. What would he think of her without her makeup on? She took her contact lenses off and put her glasses instead, making a face before her reflection in the mirror. Without any pair of high heels and a proper hairdo, she looked weakened.

She stepped out of the bathroom in silence and motioned the door to him without crossing his gaze. Quickly enough, she disappeared under the blanket of the bed, grabbed her book and began to read.

"I hope that you don't mind but I need to read a little before falling asleep. Though if you are tired, just turn the lights off. You are the one who is supposed to work tomorrow morning."

"No, it is fine. I do that as well, don't be worried."

And without any comment on her looks, Will settled on his side of the bed, a book in hand.

"I wonder if she suspects anything."

She did want to read but the silence resounded loud if none of them actually decided to speak. Things were different when you were a couple. You could spend an hour without talking _ in each other's arms _ and yet it didn't make you feel awkward.

But they were friends and some things just didn't work out like that.

"Would you suspect a couple that invite you over? We didn't look distant."

"We didn't kiss either."

"Couples don't kiss all the time. No, I guess it has been alright. I am rather satisfied. If you don't stick to her odd appearances, she is a nice person to talk to. She seems to like you, besides. Do you have the same kind of relation with Olivia?"

Karen cleared her voice immediately as if she had wanted to stifle his question. She swallowed hard, closed her book, put it back on the nightstand and finally shook her head.

"Olivia and I don't get along very well."

The confession was embarrassing but she hadn't felt like lying to him. There was no point, not at this moment.

"Do you spend some time with her?"

"I have tried, mostly pushed by Stanley, but the few moments we shared never lasted that long I'm afraid. She always ends up turning her back at me, locking herself in her bedroom. It's okay though. It's not like I had ever had any motherly feeling anyway."

She rolled on her side, turned off her lamp and closed her eyes to restrain a pain that was slowly oppressing her throat; her back turned at him so that he wouldn't witness anything.

"Good night, Will."

"Good night, Karen."

His voice was soft in the evening.


	5. Uncertain Paradox

**Status: double-married or so**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: an Upper East Side penthouse, a country house in the Hamptons, a beach house in the Bahamas, a cabin in Vermont**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates **

**Life tiles: weekly visits to the federal jail of Brooklyn, addiction to alcohol and pills, endless socialite parties, fake marriage to a gay friend**

_"One day you will look backwards and be proud of all the things you will have accomplished in your life so for the moment it is okay if you are sad." Lois Whitley._

"So Will works every Sunday? I would take it rather bad if my husband weren't home on weekend."

It was odd to hear from a third party a comment about her so-called marriage with Will.

Husband and wife; the expression had been part of her dreams for most of her life until she had actually got married and taken notice of the real meaning of all this. And it hadn't matched at all with what she had imagined.

"No, he doesn't. It is just that he has taken a couple of days off before you arrived and so he needs to catch back on work today, exceptionally. He should be at his office for a couple of hours, no more."

Madeline seemed satisfied by the answer and nodded quietly, observing the streets by the window of the cab.

"You are a cute couple."

Even before they had started to pretend anything, Karen had dreaded the moment someone would make a remark of this kind, unsure why though. It made her blush and laugh nervously.

When the alarm of Will's clock had set off, none of them had moved; even less spoken. They had remained still, not ready at all to leave the bed and start a new day. When she used to suffer from chronic insomnia at the mansion, she hadn't awoken a single time at his apartment and gone through the night without any problem.

Had they touched while sleeping? Had their feet brush each other's? Had she tried to cuddle against him? She had absolutely no idea and perhaps it was better like that, in the end.

He had finally got up, gone to the bathroom then headed to the living-room. She had followed a few minutes later and smiled at Madeline who was having breakfast.

He had kissed her on the lips, softly in a good morning way that had seemed completely random. She had liked it, a lot. Stanley had never had such a tender gesture towards her, her previous husbands either and the fact it had finally come from a friend resulted sad and lame but yet terribly comforting.

She might not say it very often but she needed care, like everybody.

"You are a cute couple but… I don't know. For some reason, you don't look like any other one. There is something peaceful emanating from you two. I like it."

The taxi finally stopped in front of the art school building. It was an old Victorian house like Manhattan tended to hide so well in its narrow streets you still could only find out after living there for twenty years. A few teenagers were smoking on the sidewalk, chatting joyfully in the late Sunday morning.

"Okay so according to the schedule, your welcome thing lasts two hours. I will wait for you in front of the door by then and we will go back home with the subway so that you see how it works and all. Is it alright for you?"

Madeline nodded, stepped into the building and all of a sudden Karen found herself alone on the sidewalk, feeling a bit stupid next to the group of fifteen-year-old teenagers smoking and drinking large quantities of coffee.

So she crossed the street and pushed the door of the coffee store; settled down at a table and began to read the newspapers someone had abandoned there previously.

If acquaintances or relatives had got to know what she was now doing, they wouldn't have understood and probably just laughed. She couldn't explain it either; why she had said yes to Will and accepted to accompany Madeline to her Sunday session. It wasn't the person she was, selfish and a bit harsh. It didn't match with her temper and yet she was there, smiling at a teenager and showing her the city she had learned to make hers.

And she did enjoy it, against all expectations.

Three hours later she opened the door of the apartment and restrained a gasp of surprise as she saw Will standing a few feet away from her. He was smiling and seemed happy to see them back.

"So how did it go?"

"Rather well, I guess. We got given the final project as well as some of the homework we have to make all along, starting with charcoal."

As the young girl kept on talking, Karen took a deep breath and walked a bit awkwardly towards Will to finally pass a hand on his waist, resting her head against his shoulder; looking at Madeline.

She wasn't used to show any gesture of affection. It wasn't her, wasn't the way it worked in any of her relations. It sounded forced _ maybe even artificial and fake _ but Will seemed to appreciate her effort and planted a kiss on the top of her head.

After all, even without tenderness whatsoever, she managed to fool people about her own marriage.

Because...

Yes, everything was going fine in spite of Stanley's lies and recent incarceration.

Yes, he used to come back home every night when he wasn't in jail yet.

No, he had never hidden anything to her.

No, he didn't want to cheat on her.

Their life was so perfect, just like in some movie.

That was probably why she kept on taking pills.

That was probably why she kept on emptying glasses.

And now she felt dizzy.

Swallowing hard, Karen broke the embrace. She smiled at Madeline and headed to the bathroom.

Because no, nobody had to see her tears…


	6. The Missing Behavior

**Status: double-married or so**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: an Upper East Side penthouse, a country house in the Hamptons, a beach house in the Bahamas, a cabin in Vermont**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates **

**Life tiles: weekly visits to the federal jail of Brooklyn, addiction to alcohol and pills, endless socialite parties, fake marriage to a gay friend**

_"The main problem is that you can fall in love in the process and it will ruin everything. So just go on and pretend that there is absolutely no feeling of any sort." Lois Whitley._

The beginning of the week brought an odd routine with a disconcerting easiness. Everything seemed logical, smooth enough to be appreciated and even though it had nothing to do with the scheme of the hidden truth, she fell in the trap of the game.

On Thursday she had almost learned every single detail of Will's habits from the way he loved staying in bed _ just like her _ to the sort of escape he founded in the cooking activity. He was stressed and as much as she had known him for a few years now, she had never noticed it before. Sometimes he used to wake up in the middle of the night. She could hear his sighs, the way he tried not to move too much because the last thing he wanted was to face her in any explanation.

So her eyes closed, she remained quiet.

The office looked lifeless and she didn't like spending time there. It was all about picking up the messages, sending an email to Grace and she hurriedly came back to the apartment, waiting for nothing but him to pass the door.

Madeline arrived first. She used to go to her bedroom to work on a mysterious project she never wanted to talk about. Then he passed the door _all smile but his deep features betraying his fatigue _ and they had a drink, listening to the teenager's music in the background.

It sounded like the portrait of the family she had never had, vaguely dreamed about at some point before quickly realizing that it simply didn't exist and it was all fiction. Nobody ever argued or protested. It would end up exploding, wouldn't it?

Then on Saturday they headed to Brooklyn, to the beach. The temperatures hadn't lowered and the sand was burning under their feet. But they didn't care because they were happy.

When at the end of the day they passed the door of The Riverside Drive apartment _ the smell of the ocean still embracing their skin _ Karen made the silent wish to always keep in mind the past hours; how they hadn't stopped talking and laughing, how Will had lift her up in his arms and pretended to the very last second to throw her into the water. Her screams had echoed the breeze and she had tightened his grip on his neck, feeling his heart beat loud against her.

It had hit her, just like that…

She had never lived such a moment of perfection in her entire life.

They had dinner in silence, still absorbed by the brightness of the day and for whatever reason, Karen multiplied the gestures of attention towards him. Smiling and kissing his lips softly were now part of their routine but there was something that evening, a delectable joy to play the perfect marriage.

At least it made her forget about all the rest, like the blankness of her last visit to Stanley in jail.

"When did you get married?"

The question made her choke on her glass of wine and before Will's apparent calm, she felt stupid. For someone who was very well known for her legendary feeling control, she hadn't been that effective until now.

"We got married a few months ago."

Stunned, she looked how Will grabbed her hand and pressed it tightly as if the gesture would make it all easier to believe. Had he actually thought about the eventuality of such question before or he simply had a real talent for lying?

"Oh, so it is all recent. Congratulations! My father hadn't told me about it and I was wondering because you look… Well, you know. You don't look like people who have been married for twenty years and who probably wonder every day why they keep on pretending that everything is fine when it is all over for a very long time."

"Perhaps they just don't want to hurt anyone."

She had said it without thinking it twice, blurting out the words as if she had been looking for an attempt of relief. It hadn't worked that much, though.

But nobody seemed to notice or at least they didn't insist and she swallowed back the bitterness of a comment that had flirted way too close with her own reality.

She went to bed earlier than usual, especially for a Saturday night and got lost in the read of her novel until Will stepped in the bedroom, headed to the bathroom then finally settled by her side.

They barely talked this time and so they found themselves in the dark very soon.

But her eyes wouldn't get closed and she kept on staring intently at the ceiling, studying the beats of her heart and the weight oppressing her chest. She wasn't fine.

"Is it the way you behave when you are in a relationship?"

She didn't hear him gasp or anything as if her question hadn't surprised him in any way, on the contrary.

"What do you mean?"

"The way you cared about me this week, is this how you really are when in a relationship?"

"Aren't we all? When we're in love, the only thing we want is to be attentive and sweet or at least I guess so. Now it also depends on the situation and the person you are with."

"Was it different with Michael?"

"Sometimes I had a feeling that he could barely understand the person I was... Why are you asking me that?"

She rolled on her side, turning her back at him and bit her lower lip.

"Stanley has never been like that."

And without any warning, she rolled over and cuddled against Will.

He never protested.


	7. Awkwardness Steps In

**Status: double-married or so**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: an Upper East Side penthouse, a country house in the Hamptons, a beach house in the Bahamas, a cabin in Vermont**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates **

**Life tiles: weekly visits to the federal jail of Brooklyn, addiction to alcohol and pills, endless socialite parties, fake marriage to a gay friend**

_"If you ever start having doubts, it means that you are losing. But as you know, you can't afford it." Lois Whitley._

She had never liked how a tiny detail could actually have such influence on a life. It had just been an innocent gesture but yet it had stirred up this oppressive sentiment of awkwardness she didn't know how to deal with.

It made her feel bad, besides.

When she had awoken, Will had already got up and left the bedroom. He hadn't done that before, never. And his absence by her side had resounded hard, cold. She had fallen asleep in his arms _ her head resting on his chest _ and he hadn't complained, hadn't said anything at all when they didn't use to share moments of tenderness.

He had avoided her gaze all along the morning and even gone out to the market without any warning.

It had become awkward.

The lunch had been quiet and as the afternoon seemed to follow the same path, Karen couldn't resist anymore. She grabbed her pack of cigarettes and headed out on the terrace of the apartment. She hadn't smoked for a few days, not that she wanted to stop but it hadn't actually crossed her mind. Though now the lack of nicotine in her body was seriously getting on her nerves unless there was a whole different reason but she preferred to ignore it.

The sun was burning and as she made her way outside the light blinded her. She made a few steps more and finally lit a cigarette though it didn't taste that good. She sighed.

"Can I have one?"

His request didn't surprise her as much as his presence in the hammock behind. She hadn't seen him when stepping out of the bedroom and had simply assumed that he had gone out for another walk just in order to avoid her in any way. Somehow she would have preferred.

She turned around and made the few steps separating her from him. The sun was hitting in her back but she was cold.

She tended him a cigarette but avoided his gaze. What if he asked her to give an explanation about the sudden gesture she had had the night before? She would die at the scene, buried by inaudible words supposed to make it all clearer.

She wanted so much to believe that she didn't have any particular reason.

Turning her back at him, she sat on the edge of the hammock. A bee approached her. She waved it away and lost her balance, falling right down on Will.

"I am sorry!"

His laugh warmed up something inside of her and instead of getting up immediately, she settled down next to him, against all expectations.

She could see the clouds in the sky through the veil he had tended over the hammock. They were passing slowly, peacefully.

"We are enjoying this way too much, aren't we?"

Regrets embraced her voice as the words hit the air. He didn't reply but she felt his eyes on her. She looked at him, her face a few inches away from his.

They were too close.

She leaned forward as his hand came to rest on her arm. His breath was hot against her lips. She brushed his.

"Oh, I am sorry!"

They broke apart even before kissing as Madeline's voice resounded next to them. The young girl was standing on the doorframe, a bit uncomfortable; looking down at the floor intently.

"Is there something wrong?"

Karen swallowed hard. Now she felt stupid and extremely embarrassed. She got up immediately but began to dance on her feet nervously as she didn't know what to do or add.

"Actually I would like to talk to you. Am I disturbing or…"

"Of course not, I am all yours! Let's come in and you tell me what you want."

She would have done anything to escape from Will.

The apartment was cold if not icy and she restrained a gasp as she stepped in. Madeline's silence was unusual and as they both headed to the teenager's bedroom, Karen began to panic.

Why was everything turning so bad suddenly?

She closed the door behind her and managed a forced smile. She had no experience whatsoever with children and it seemed that within a week she had been rushed into a role she had always tried meticulously to avoid. It was tough.

"Are you on the pill?"

The question took her aback. She frowned, ignoring the heat that had rushed up her cheeks.

"Yes, I am. Why are you asking me that?"

"Then would you mind to give me a tablet or something, like for the rest of the month?"

Unsure of the reaction she was supposed to have, Karen let an uncomfortable laugh escape then rolled her eyes.

"It isn't a candy. We can't share pills like that. You might not need the same as me… And why would you want them? Well, I mean, you just arrived here. You have already met someone?"

"Yes, I might have."

"You are fifteen years old."

"Don't tell me you were that shy at my age."

"I have never been a model to follow."

For the first time Karen's voice sounded sharp and full of bitterness. Madeline seemed to be taken aback and looked down, swallowed hard.

"Never mind…"

But five minutes after having left the bedroom, Karen grabbed her bag and went out. Will was reading, sat on the sofa as she came back. She went straight to Madeline's room; knocked on the door and entered.

"This is a lot more effective than a birth control pill."

She grabbed a newly-purchased box of condoms out of her bag and tended it to the young girl.


	8. From Present To The Past

**Status: double-married or so**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: an Upper East Side penthouse, a country house in the Hamptons, a beach house in the Bahamas, a cabin in Vermont**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates **

**Life tiles: weekly visits to the federal jail of Brooklyn, addiction to alcohol and pills, endless socialite parties, fake marriage to a gay friend**

_"The major weapon of a woman is her capacity to keep appearances on. Nobody will be able to say if you are fine or actually scared as long as you play your role." Lois Whitley._

Perhaps they had reached a quota of happiness and were now paying for it. The first week at the apartment had gone so smoothly that it almost sounded logical the situation had got reversed. She had grown too close to Will and been actually genuine before Madeline who as much as she was a sweet girl, nonetheless ended up being a teenager as well, dealing a bit desperately with her own problems.

The light conversations had stopped suddenly and a heavy silence had spread over their heads. Her relation with Will was tensed and they barely spoke anymore. As soon as one of them went to bed, the lights got turned off to avoid any face-to-face. They still pretended though when they didn't happen to be alone but it looked false or at least it was the sentiment they got whenever they tried any gesture of attention towards the other.

As if the atmosphere weren't dark enough, Wednesday brought an accumulation of frustration for Karen as she had got to learn that Stanley wasn't allowed any visit this week. Apparently he had gone through some troubles and was now punished.

It wasn't more the fact that she wouldn't be able to see her husband than the humiliation the whole situation that had embraced her when the director had told her so that annoyed her. Yet since Stanley's arrest she had gone on as if nothing had happened or needed to be heard of. It hadn't worried anyone _ after all she was very well known for her icy heart _ and so she had kept it all for herself.

But Stanley's recent troubles pushed her to a point of no-return.

She slammed the door of the apartment with a barely contained anger then threw her bag on the sofa, trying to calm down. It didn't work out and she was in pain, for so many reasons. It seemed that life was slipping through her fingers and she was left there, powerless.

"What happened? You look furious."

She stared at Will for a few seconds. He was leaned against the fridge, enjoying a glass of wine as he was preparing the dinner. He didn't seem as distant as the days before and deep inside, she felt something get warmer; a sort of fragile hope.

"Where is Madeline? I don't hear any music."

"She called to say that she was staying at a friend's home tonight because they had to work on a project for school. Now I guess she just wanted a night out and far from the pitiful couple we are so desperately to play. I can't blame her. We have been quite lame since the weekend and… I wanted to apologize. You didn't have to accept this deal in the first place and yet you did. I can't forget that."

She had barely heard his apologies. His first words concerning Madeline had put her brain on pause and all the rest had resulted blank, inaudible.

"I guess we need to talk, Will."

"Don't tell me you want to stop now."

She shook her head by instinct _ a honest one _ and sat at the table before her plate; grabbed her own glass of wine that was full, just ready for her lips to brush the purple drink.

"I think I have done something that you aren't going to like. I should have told you about it when it happened but we had just almost… Well, it was last Sunday and things had become rather odd between us. That's why I remained quiet."

He didn't say anything and brought some tapenade with homemade bread freshly taken out of the oven instead but in such a slow motion that she understood immediately how he was now panicking. She waited for him to settle down at his seat before going on.

"I am afraid that Madeline isn't at some sort of a slumber party. At the same time who could blame her? She isn't eleven anymore but almost sixteen; in a few weeks, she told me... Anyway, she asked me for a tablet of my birth control pills."

He should have screamed, thrown a scene and yelled at her for at least ten minutes. As far as she knew him, Will didn't have patience and setting a fit was more than a situation she had had to face with him only from time to time. But instead he remained extremely calm, took a sip of his drink and bit into a slice of bread.

"You didn't accept, did you?"

"Of course not! Besides what suits one person doesn't necessarily suit another one. I am afraid my hormones aren't identical to a teenager's ones."

She had never had this kind of very intimate conversation with Stanley and yet they were married. Did he even know that she was actually on the pill? She seriously doubted so. But she didn't feel uncomfortable with Will. The words came out with an odd fluidity and it was very surprising.

"I didn't know that it influenced on a pill..."

"Why do you think there are different kinds of pills? But still, let me finish, please. So I told her no and… You remember that I went out for a while on Sunday? I didn't leave because of the tension going on here. I went to buy a box of condoms for Madeline. I gave it to her and we haven't talked about it since then."

A few seconds flew away in an oppressive silence. She was panicking and yet wishing nothing but him to speak. She almost sighed of relief as he did.

"And that's why I should be mad at you? As much as I would have appreciated the fact you told me earlier about it, I am not sure I can actually blame your gesture. It is rather responsible. I seriously doubt that if you had told her not to have sex she would have listened to you so… You gave her the best example she could get. Well, I guess."

"Do you want to know why I did that?"

"Sure…"

Her hazel eyes found his brown ones for support but it didn't change anything and her heart kept on beating too loud in her chest. She was about to reveal one of her deepest, heaviest secrets to an unexpected someone she would have never imagined as the confident she had been looking for so long in her life. And yet he was.

"I did it because I wish someone had done it for me when I was her age. I didn't receive any example of any sort. And it is really sad because if I had got an advice mentioned, I would have never had to go through an abortion."


	9. The Kiss at City Hall

**Status: double-married or so**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: an Upper East Side penthouse, a country house in the Hamptons, a beach house in the Bahamas, a cabin in Vermont**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates **

**Life tiles: weekly visits to the federal jail of Brooklyn, addiction to alcohol and pills, endless socialite parties, fake marriage to a gay friend**

_"If you focalize on the past, you will never get anything from life but regrets. You can cast a glance at your future but the most important is to smile at present." Lois Whitley._

She woke up in his arms, her face against his chest in the warmness of the bed. The sun was timidly piercing through the window and as she leaned up on her elbow to look at his clock, she realized that it was late in the morning.

She rolled on her back, trying not to wake him up in the process and thought about the evening they had spent together. So many things had happened within a few hours. Nothing physically, no; it had gone beyond that and they had talked over and over. The confession of her abortion hadn't exactly relieved her but it had set off something in her head and she had let the words come out, just as he had done.

They had learned about each other, a lot.

The click of a door made her frown but she simply rolled back on her side to be against Will. It had been so long since she had shared a bed with someone. Furtive steps approached the open door of the bedroom and Madeline appeared, smiled quietly as her blue eyes locked with Karen's hazel ones.

From the bed she sent back a smile and let the teenager go to her own room. Actually she had a thousand questions to ask her but it wasn't the right time if there was one at all. She just wanted to know if everything was alright in the end.

It sounded rather maternal, oddly enough for someone who had also affirmed that she didn't own this kind of feelings.

Will moved next to her and she took advantage of it to settle back in his arms, her eyes wide open. The mechanic of her brain was going very fast but yet remained completely blank.

A couple of hours passed by before they all got up and had breakfast together. Will had taken the rest of the week off, for whatever reason. The sun had now disappeared behind a heavy veil of gray clouds but the temperatures had risen to a barely tolerable level. The air conditioning was on but they simply suffocated in the small apartment.

"Don't you have classes today?"

"Only at three this afternoon; on Wednesday I am rather free of anything. Though now that you are talking about it… I have something to ask you."

A bit absurdly Karen rearranged her glasses on her nose as if it would give her a sense of seriousness that she had never really owned. Will remained quiet, waiting for Madeline's further explanation.

"I need to work on this photo project and the theme is Love in the City: the people you live with. My parents aren't here so I was wondering if you would accept to be my models for a shooting."

"I am not sure we actually represent the… The idyllic couple…"

"You are definitely not a traditional one but I am sure the chemistry between the two of you will give life to my photos."

Central Park was curiously empty unless it was too hot to go out and enjoy the shadows of the trees. She had her shoes on but she would have wished to walk barefoot through the grass and feel the heat of the sun against her skin.

Timidly her hand had grabbed his a few blocks away though she hadn't been sure if it had been in the conscious to keep on pretending in front of Madeline or because she actually wanted it. So she hadn't looked at him, only intertwined her fingers with his as they had passed the gates of the park.

"Here it will be perfect."

The young girl motioned an old bench in the shadows of a tree. Something had been carved in the wood of the seat. They approached it.

_To June and Henry who loved seating here _

_ 1930-1998_

"Okay so now, act as if you were alone on a romantic walk or something and forget about me, about the cam."

They sat on the bench with awkwardness as if they were afraid to be intrusive in the story now engraved on the seat. They were lying when a real couple had actually showed true love at this exact same place. It almost sounded disrespectful to be there all of a sudden.

A bit timidly Will passed his arm around her shoulders and gave her a forced smile. He wasn't comfortable; she wasn't either but maybe it was the price to pay for their lies about their so-called relation.

"Could you please kiss? I mean, you aren't bad or anything right now but it is a bit too friendly; a bit too chaste. I am far from Love in the City right now…"

They quietly obeyed and kissed softly, furtively as they had done until now.

But for the very first time, it didn't result enough.

"No, I was talking about a real kiss. You know, like this photo of Doisneau and they are fully kissing _ French kissing _ in the middle of the crowd."

"It is The Kiss at City Hall."

Karen's whisper nonetheless reached Madeline who nodded and smiled brightly.

"Yes, this one… Can you do that for me?"

She knew that she was blushing; no mattered the temperatures were high and the sun was burning. They had never kissed like that and even less in front of someone. It would have been a light, funny moment, perhaps it would have sounded easier but given the recent circumstances and the reason why they had landed there pretending to be something they weren't, it was nerve-breaking.

She locked her eyes with his and found the same uncertainty as hers in his gaze. It reassured her, somehow, and so she leaned over; just a few inches.

His lips brushed hers, pressed them with a tender firmness as the furtiveness of their previous kisses flew away in the seconds passing by. She had never been bold in such moments but for some reason she caressed his lips, asking quietly for more access while her heart was speeding up its pace.

Her tongue finally found his and a boiling wave of warmness spread in her lower stomach under the electric contact. She felt his hand slid on her nape as they deepened the kiss and she didn't realize that she was actually clutched to his arm.

It didn't last so long but yet it seemed that time had got suspended.

And for a lapse of time that flirted with the limits of eternity, Karen had forgotten everything.


	10. At the Pub

**Status: double-married, dangerously thinking about cheating**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: an Upper East Side penthouse, a country house in the Hamptons, a beach house in the Bahamas, a cabin in Vermont**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates **

**Life tiles: weekly visits to the federal jail of Brooklyn, addiction to alcohol and pills, endless socialite parties, fake marriage to a gay friend**

_"There are a couple of things that you should avoid if you want to succeed, starting with alcohol and infidelity." Lois Whitley._

It began to rain when he left. The door got closed and the first drops fell in a soft murmur against the window before the storm finally spread over New York, bringing along a well deserved breeze.

They had had lunch at a small restaurant with Madeline then the teenager had left for school and it had been when things had worsened between the two of them. They hadn't argued over anything but a heavy discomfort had begun to weigh on their shoulders as soon as they had found themselves alone.

They had kissed and something had happened, undeniably.

She hadn't found back the silliness of her games with Jack or the emptiness Stanley's rare moments of affection had brought her. She had liked it, a lot. And that was the problem.

They had come back to the apartment in silence and a few minutes after, Will had grabbed his gym bag and headed out, pretending that he needed to exercise. He was as embarrassed as her by the reaction their kiss had stirred up _ his attitude kept on betraying his doubts and confusion _ and she hadn't insisted, only grabbed her book to settle on the sofa.

It began to thunder and she hurried to the French windows of the terrace, opened them wide then sat down on the floor. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath as the fresh air finally hit her face. The temperatures had been so high for the past few days that she had almost forgotten how relieving the breeze of the rain could be.

Until an invisible warmness pressed on her lips, sending a chill down her spine; she opened her eyes and looked around, breathless. Their kiss haunted her way too much.

She stood up, a bit unsteadily, went to the bedroom and found her cell phone. She wasn't sure whether it actually was a smart move but the circumstances didn't let her many options and she needed to speak.

"Can I stop by? If only for an hour…"

But she had already grabbed her bag and rushed to the door when she got a positive answer. She put an end to the call, stepped out of the building and hailed a cab.

The rain had suddenly slowed down the traffic and the car got stuck somewhere between Broadway and The Village. It was pouring now, the storm reaching its apogee in all its violence.

Tapping nervously against the window of the taxi, Karen sighed and rolled her eyes; paid the driver. She hadn't taken any umbrella and her stilettos prevented her from running under the rain but she nonetheless speeded up her usual pace and pushed the door of the pub, breathless.

The room was plunged in the dark, rather empty except for a few guys sipping in silence their pints of beer. Her arrival probably resulted rather loud because everyone turned around to stare at her as she entered the bar.

She was at the counter, cleaning a glass.

She looked older, maybe a bit sad.

"Hi…"

Karen had always envied her this self-confidence that showed through the slightest, furtive gaze. As much as she had tried through the years, she had never managed to have half of the presence of her mother.

"Let's sit at a table. Looks like you need to talk."

She nodded and followed her mother to some wooden table, refusing to drink anything. Alcohol would have been way too distracting.

"You have lost weight, haven't you? You shouldn't, Karen. Your curves have always been your allies."

"Things have been rough lately for me. I might have skipped a meal or two."

"And compensated with your bloody pills…"

They had argued too many times about it and since it always sounded vain finally, she preferred to ignore the comment this time.

"Stanley is in jail. He has been arrested around Christmas time last year. He will probably be there for at least five years."

"Is it about money?"

"Of course, it is. He is as greedy as the man you have always told him I had to marry."

As much as she would have wanted to avoid the tension, it seemed impossible for her to remain calm in front of her mother. It reminded her of those times when they kept on fighting all day long. She was a teenager.

"But I didn't come here to speak about him. I… I am thinking about having an affair."

"And you want my blessing?"

"I don't know what I want from you. I have never known anything regarding you but for some reason I ignore, I will always end up coming back to you. That's why I am here. I think I am losing the game, mom. I am losing my life."

"And it doesn't have to do with the fact Stanley is in jail, am I wrong?"

The music stopped suddenly and the pub turned silent. The atmosphere was gloomy, sticky.

Karen swallowed hard and regretted to not have a beer because her mouth was dry.

"No, you are right."


	11. Silent Tears

**Status: double-married, about to jump into an affair**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: an Upper East Side penthouse, a country house in the Hamptons, a beach house in the Bahamas, a cabin in Vermont**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates **

**Life tiles: weekly visits to the federal jail of Brooklyn, addiction to alcohol and pills, endless socialite parties, fake marriage to a gay friend**

_"You will never understand what it is to live with the weight of regrets upon your shoulders, how it darkens your days. Or at least I hope so because it is a nightmare." Lois Whitley._

She felt like crying. It hadn't happened for a very long time and the sensations seemed to have been multiplied in all their glorious pain. There was an invisible hand oppressing her throat. It made her feel nauseous, stressed.

She didn't smile at them when she came back to the apartment _ no mattered they seemed to be enjoying a conversation _ because she was tired, and confused. She abandoned her bag on the floor and headed directly to the bedroom. There wouldn't be any dinner, any word exchange. She would change into her pajamas and go to bed. Maybe it would work then and she would forget about the day.

It was all she needed in the end.

But as she faced the bed, it didn't sound appealing either. It wasn't hers, these weren't her furniture and all of a sudden Karen had a feeling that it was more of an intrusion into somebody else's life than anything else.

A bit perplexed before the abrupt realization, she ran a bath instead; sat on the edge of the tub, looking at the water filling the ceramic of a pale, blue shade.

"Is everything alright?"

She had expected him to arrive. Her silence and absence of energy had probably shone a bit too much as she had opened the door of the flat and stepped in.

She frowned.

"No, but that's life."

"What's happening?"

She took off her stilettos as a long sigh of exasperation slid on her lips. The least effort hurt, sending a brutal repercussion on her heart and causing thus the complete chaos of her mind. She stood up, unzipped her dress before turning around to look at him in the eyes.

"I went to the pub, today."

"You had too many beers? I seriously doubt so."

She couldn't help rolling her eyes which might have resulted sharp before his shy attempt to ease the tension.

"Do you really think that I would go to a pub to have a drink? I am not sixteen anymore and am married to a powerful businessman. I go to private clubs and lounges for that. I went to the pub to see my mother."

"And my guess is that it didn't go very smoothly."

"Actually _ believe me or not _ she probably gave me one of the wisest advices that she could have come with. And it bothers me."

"What did she tell you?"

She let her dress fall down on the floor, never breaking eye-contact with him. She didn't mind to show her body, in underwear of even fully naked. The gesture didn't make him blush either.

"That life was a game and I couldn't win every time…"

She turned around, got rid of her underwear and stepped into the bath. The heat of the water had an immediate relaxing effect but as she looked at him over her shoulder, she noticed that he had stopped staring at her.

"Have you never seen a naked woman before?"

"You are not any woman."

Nobody called her name for dinner. They left her alone in bed, incapable to concentrate on her book though; even less sleeping. She wanted to cry but it wouldn't come out and she was lacking air. She left a message on Jack's cell phone and hesitated to call Grace.

She felt homesick, incomplete as if the absence of her friends were seriously weighing on her mood. She had never thought about it before but now that she was far from them, it really seemed that she had lost her references.

The hours passed by and finally Will came in, surprised to see her still wide awake but he didn't say anything. He went to the bathroom. Her heart speeded up its pace. Could it actually explode if her beats didn't calm down at some point?

He settled in bed, began to read but abandoned very quickly.

"Do you mind if I turn the lights off?"

She shook her head and let him do.

"Good night."

She wanted to reply, politely. As a matter of fact, she even opened her mouth to speak but no sound ever came out. Instead _ and without really knowing why _ she slowly rolled on her side, passed her knee between his legs before capturing his lips in a stolen kiss.

She caught him by surprised. His body stiffened under hers for a few seconds but his hand finally travelled up her back, pushing her closer to him as their tongues made contact for the second time in their lives.

The apartment was plunged in a deep silence, emphasizing thus the murmurs of their sighs and the rustle of the sheets as their bodies were getting intertwined in a series of fluid motions.

Her doubts were still there as well as the regrets she had been feeling all along the afternoon but his caresses and the warmth of his body against hers brought another dimension to the scene.

She nonetheless broke into tears as they renewed their kiss.


	12. What the Morning Brings

**Status: double-married, about to jump into an affair**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: an Upper East Side penthouse, a country house in the Hamptons, a beach house in the Bahamas, a cabin in Vermont**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates **

**Life tiles: weekly visits to the federal jail of Brooklyn, addiction to alcohol and pills, endless socialite parties, fake marriage to a gay friend**

_"I have renounced to love the day your father passed away. This doesn't mean you had to widow at the same time as I did." Lois Whitley._

People tended to say that perfection didn't exist, that it was only an odd illusion of the ones who had never been able to make a distinction between reality and their lost dreams. She had believed them for a very long time but as she opened her eyes that morning, something happened in her mind.

Like the trigger of a machine, it set of _ spreading over her body _ until the realization that she might have been wrong all these past years settled down.

"You haven't slept, have you?"

His smile warmed up her heart, sweetening her hoarse voice. She bent over, kissed his lips softly and cuddled against him.

She had forgotten about the morning after. The tenderness of the moment had slipped out of her mind with a disturbing easiness as the coldness of her bed had begun to turn into this kind of habits people remained quiet about because they were ashamed, and embarrassed before the mere idea the others could get to know about them.

A few months after their wedding Stanley had taken his distance with her. It had been slow but certain and she had looked at him go away little by little. He had never told her about any mistress, any sexual encounter. She had never found any proof either but there was this instinct deep inside of her that always tended to highlight her husband's potential infidelities.

"You must be tired."

"Curiously enough, not that much… I just started thinking about a couple of things and the hours passed by before I even realize it."

"Do you regret anything?"

Her voice resounded blank. She couldn't help it. His last sentence had stirred up a dubitative sentiment of anxiety as an implicit discomfort had been revealed and she had begun to panic, aimlessly.

"No, on the contrary I came to the conclusion that there is a huge amount of time that I have been wasting for not being by your side."

She leaned up on her elbows to look at him properly, locking her eyes into his. She knew that she was smiling even if timidly. His hand brushed her face and came to rest on her nape.

"I like when you cry."

A tear rolled down her cheek as she let a bitter laugh escape.

"I hate it."

"You are beautiful when you do. You are beautiful…"

They kissed, melting into a series of slow caresses until they made love again under the bright light of the day. You couldn't lie by then. The shadows of the night had gone away and you were there, bare, dealing with the cruel shades of an unpardonable life.

An hour later, Will got up and disappeared towards the kitchen, asking her for nothing but to stay in bed. Anyway, there wasn't another place on Earth where she would have liked to go. The sheets were soft and warm against her bare flesh and the smell of her scent mixed to his was bewitching enough to keep her there.

She leaned over and grabbed one of his shirts; put it on. This was a gesture that she had always dreamed about and yet it had taken her all these years to finally make it come true, through the least expected one.

Madeline poked her head inside.

"Good morning."

"How are you?"

"Obviously not as fine as you…"

The remark made her blush. She looked away, pretending to rummage around for her glasses.

"Anyway, I have to go."

"You don't want to have breakfast, first?"

"I will but out, with some friends. So you two will have your little romantic face-to-face morning. Have a nice day."

A few minutes later Will came back with a tray in his hands. He settled it on the bed and sat by her side. He hadn't made coffee but tea, French toasts and not some donuts. A jar of royal jelly was open as a fresh lemon juice had been squeezed and poured in a glass with some hot water. This wasn't a typical breakfast that you could have guessed and prepared with your eyes closed. It was hers.

"Thank you."

Will smiled back and bit into a slice of fresh bread. He seemed relaxed, finally, as if a weight had been relieved from his shoulders. She didn't dare to even imagine that it might have been thanks to her.

"I would like to go away this weekend, to some quiet place and a lot less irrespirable. The seaside would be great, how about we rent a house or book rooms?"

"With Madeline, I suppose?"

"Of course, I am certainly not going to leave her my apartment."

"Martha's Vineyard is a beautiful place to spend a few days. I can get a house rather easily, there."

"But it is the middle of the summer. Half of Manhattan has rushed there. I seriously doubt that you will ever find a house available at these dates."

"Nobody ever says no to Stanley Walker's wife."

She shouldn't have alluded to him. It hadn't been the right time at all because all of a sudden, she felt the shadows of her wedding vows darken the sky upon their heads and it made her feel bad.


	13. The Waves and the Lies

**Status: double-married, having an affair**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: an Upper East Side penthouse, a country house in the Hamptons, a beach house in the Bahamas, a cabin in Vermont**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates **

**Life tiles: weekly visits to the federal jail of Brooklyn, addiction to alcohol and pills, endless socialite parties, fake marriage to a gay friend**

_"I know that you hate me, for what I have said and done. But one day, sooner than you think, you will be the adult facing the angry adolescent and you will understand what it is." Lois Whitley._

The sound of the ocean was relaxing, just as the breeze that came to caress your nape and when you closed your eyes you couldn't help but smile for feeling so fine.

There wasn't any car, any greasy smell that got mixed with the stickiness of the air. Everything looked pure and in harmony with the rest. Oddly enough, she had retreated there every summer since her marriage with Stanley _ following the precepts of New York socialite life _ but it was the first time she actually enjoyed it.

There wasn't any fight, any argument, any cries stifled behind a slammed door. There wasn't any bed icy for the absence of someone by her side.

She was with Will and everything was going alright.

At times she wondered if he considered what they were living as a mere summer fling. So many stories never made it after August when the routine of the gray sky swept away the effusion of the hearts and everyone crashed before a bare reality.

She got along with him, a lot. That was all she actually knew about it.

"Won't you come to swim with us?"

She dug her feet in the warm sand and passed her arms around her knees. The shadows of the tree prevented her from being too exposed to the sun, the hat she was wearing being thus a mere accessory; just like the sunglasses.

She shook her head, smiled at Madeline who was in the water with Will and grabbed her book. She hadn't gone very far in the story lately. The last events of her own life had kept her away from fiction, for the very first time in a long while. Somehow it seemed rather positive and yet she missed the novels, what they brought to her sorry soul.

"You can't swim? Will told me that he had never seen you swim."

Plunged in her novel, she hadn't noticed that Madeline had stepped out of the water to sit down by her side. The young girl looked fine, far from the pressure that a metropolis like Manhattan could put on somebody's shoulders.

"Yes, I can. I just don't like it that much."

"It is so refreshing though!"

"Oh I know. I used to spend most of my summers in the water as a child."

"Then why did you stop?"

Karen closed her book. Obviously she hadn't been careful enough about her confessions and it just couldn't get articulated to the read of a novel. She looked at the teenager in the eyes and hesitated for a few seconds.

"I almost drowned, once. My father went to rescue me but I had gone too far and the waves were very high. We were living in California by then."

"What happened?"

"A fisherman's boat arrived. They lifted me on the small deck and I got saved. When they went for my father, it was too late. He had died."

Perhaps she shouldn't have been honest because Madeline's facial expression began to flirt with a deep embarrassment and discomfort. It was odd how she had never told the story to any of her friends but had nonetheless decided to share it with a fifteen-year-old girl she barely knew for two weeks.

"I am so sorry, Karen. Don't feel guilty though. You aren't to blame."

"Well, I was the one who didn't listen to my parents when they said that the ocean wasn't peaceful enough for a swim. But since I was a good swimmer, I thought I would do just fine. The waves took me away very quickly and all of a sudden I was too far."

"Does Will know about it?"

Karen looked at the ocean _ staring at Will _ and shook her head as a pale smile lit up her features.

"Is this the reason why you don't have a child?"

The question and the logic supposed to follow took her aback. She frowned, perplexed and confused.

"What do you mean?"

"You have been together for several years now and yet you don't have a child. Okay, I know that you married a few months ago but still… You aren't that stuck to traditions. Is it because you suffered as a child from losing one of your parents that you don't want to be a mother now?"

She laughed but it sounded bitter and false. Madeline's analyze was sharp but not irrelevant at all.

"Actually I have never wanted to have a child. I mean… I don't feel ready."

"But is it because you are afraid to make him or her suffer?"

"I don't know."

Will arrived, putting an implicit end to the odd conversation. From her seat under the tree, Karen tried to look relaxed but the idea brought by Madeline was now haunting her mind.

"What were you talking about?"

"Girls' stuff… Well, I have forgotten my cell phone inside. I will be right back."

The young girl went away with an innocence that Karen observed uncomfortably. The lightness of her voice hadn't let any room to any wonder from Will. She was very good at lying, which wasn't something Karen could find any reassuring.

"Why do you never come for a swim?"

She locked her hazel eyes with his and made a face before shrugging.

"I don't like it that much."

There were some stories that Karen preferred not to repeat.


	14. Doors and Embarrassment

**Status: double-married, having an affair**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: an Upper East Side penthouse, a country house in the Hamptons, a beach house in the Bahamas, a cabin in Vermont**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates **

**Life tiles: weekly visits to the federal jail of Brooklyn, addiction to alcohol and pills, endless socialite parties, fake marriage to a gay friend**

_"Why would I blame you, anyway? Perhaps it was written somewhere and he had to die. Let's talk about something else, now." Lois Whitley._

It was the kind of tortures that you couldn't help asking for. The slightest movement increased the excitement boiling in your body as you were slowly reaching this point of no-return when everything got suspended in a warm wave of pure pleasure and yet you did your best to make it last a bit longer because it was too good to let it go within a second.

The breeze was running down her spine _ getting mixed with the heat of his hands on her skin _ and it made her shiver as she was breathlessly straddling him. Her eyes never left his when she was on top of him. It added something to the moment, a sort of boldness that made it all even more arousing.

Her legs were shaking now but she wouldn't let it go so easily, so soon. In her most secret fantasies she could keep on melting under his touch and the heat of his body inside hers all night long. What she liked the most wasn't the orgasm in itself but the long moment of sweet agony that preceded it. It reminded her of their teasing games when they were still just friends, the way they always tended to get on each other's nerves.

It coincided perfectly with a sexual intensity.

His hand cupped her breast and she bit her lower lip, arching her back to deepen their connection. The room was plunged in the dark as the night hadn't brought any star and the moon seemed to have disappeared behind a veil of clouds. She could barely see his body but his eyes were glimmering. He was staring at her, quietly.

Her hips speeded up the pace of their thrusts and she succumbed to her orgasm, gasping under his touch. It was intense, long if not violent. She always felt a bit dizzy after it, for whatever reason. Her body kept on shaking as she slowly connected back with reality.

She leaned over and captured his lips in a deep, sensual kiss as she felt him shiver between her legs.

They had this odd synchronicity, the logic of lovers that knew right away what the other meant even if no words were exchanged. They matched, against all expectations.

Palms of her hands against his, she planted soft kisses on his jaw; going up to his mouth to steal his breath.

The click of a door in her back made her jump. She turned around abruptly; staring at the very far end of the room plunged in the dark. Hadn't they closed it before going to bed?

"What's happening?"

As much as his hoarse voice used to sound sexy, she didn't pay attention to it this time and swallowed hard. She was still straddling him and the heat of his body against her was strong, reassuring.

"The door got closed."

"It might be the wind."

"There isn't any."

Karen finally rolled on her back but she wasn't relaxed at all. The almost imperceptible noise had ruined everything, setting off a whole series of anxious wonders in her mind.

Will planted a kiss on her neck and slid his hand on her stomach but she didn't respond, way too troubled. She liked his attention though, the care he used to bring her. From all the men she had slept with, he was the only one who always asked for tenderness right after sex. He didn't go away, didn't take his distance. On the contrary, he barely let a few seconds pass by before cuddling against her and it was cute, sweet.

"What if it were Madeline?"

"What do you mean?"

Will's laidback attitude got on her nerves. Actually she was jealous of his calm temper. He never looked worried, never seemed stressed by anything but work when she was in constant doubts about everything.

She rolled her eyes and sighed, exasperated.

"What if Madeline just closed the door? It means that she walked in on us. That's rather embarrassing."

She didn't sleep very well that night. Her dreams resulted agitated, confused. When she woke up the next morning Will had already got up and the sun was shining high in the sky. It was late but she was exhausted as if she had just gone through a sleepless night.

"Good morning."

She let him kiss her lips softly as she stepped out on the porch to join them for breakfast. Her eyes found Madeline's and she swallowed hard; put her sunglasses on immediately as a wave of heat rushed to her cheeks.

She might have pretended the exact opposite with this typical drama eloquence of hers but the truth was that she was rather timid when it came to her relationships. Most of them had been failures so perhaps it explained the reason why she didn't like sharing anything with the rest of the crowd.

"So what would you like to do for our last day here?"

Karen shrugged and bit into a French toast to avoid any answer. She felt safe behind her sunglasses, under her immense straw hat; apart, still in her dreams.

"I guess I am going to paint and let you have some intimacy before you go back to work tomorrow morning."

The allusion to privacy made Karen jump. She cast a glance at the teenager but looked down immediately as she saw the grin on Madeline's face.

It was embarrassing.


	15. The Principles of Lies

**Status: double-married, having an affair**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: an Upper East Side penthouse, a country house in the Hamptons, a beach house in the Bahamas, a cabin in Vermont**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates **

**Life tiles: weekly visits to the federal jail of Brooklyn, addiction to alcohol and pills, endless socialite parties, fake marriage to a gay friend**

_"You aren't making up stories but your life. The difference is thin but at some point you should start noticing it." Lois Whitley._

"Have you ever had any doubt?"

Without any warning the words swept away all the lies she had prepared and she remained there, disarmed, before Madeline's question.

When the teenager had mentioned an eventual face-to-face for her photography project, Karen had accepted but reluctantly enough. She had never liked those "Truth or Dare" games. They asked for an honesty she preferred to keep for herself, buried deep under a veil of strong appearances but since she had happened to be the very own subject of the study, she hadn't had any choice at all.

So she had prepared _ all day long _ putting up stories that would match a reality that flirted with nothing but non-sense. The hours had passed by and she had built an odd self-confidence around a story supposed to be hers.

She had never imagined that it would all crash so suddenly.

"What do you mean exactly?"

She needed time to find a satisfying answer in her net of lies. The question had been clear enough but way too unexpected.

Madeline didn't seem to notice anything and shrugged, chewing her pen.

"Have you ever had any doubt in your relationship with Will? Have you ever thought that he could see someone else, that his love might not equal yours?"

"Don't we all?"

But what was supposed to sound vaguely humorous only resounded desperate and lame, terribly blank. She swallowed hard and stared at her hands resting nervously on her lap. She would have preferred him to answer Madeline's questions first so she would have had time to find her own lies but since they had come back from Martha's Vineyard, Will had been busy at the office. For three days in a row they had barely shared dinner.

They almost looked liked an odd, bitter married couple.

It was sad.

"Has he ever cheated on you?"

"I hope no."

"But you have never asked him, have you?"

Karen laughed, extremely confused by the sudden innocence of the teenager's question. At some point in her life, she had been this girl with big utopias and a way too weak optimism. It had taken her several years and the pain of failures to realize that she had built her own ideals on adults' lies.

"These aren't the kind of topics couples talk about; probably because we are too coward to eventually get to learn a truth that we don't like that much. We don't want to know and we pretend that everything is alright."

"Are you afraid to lose him?"

"That is the dilemma of love. You can't be happier to have found the right one and yet there isn't a single second when you don't dread the terrible moment when your union will get broken. It is an odd paradox but it is exactly what makes the strength of love."

She hadn't thought about Will, even less about Stanley or any man she had had in her life. Instead, she had turned her heart towards the memories of the dreams she had had once. Her words had sounded right _ politically correct and full of a delicate beauty _ but deep inside herself she had never stopped thinking that it had only been a speech. It was all false but who cared since it was exactly what people wanted to hear?

"What do you talk about when you are together?"

"Random facts… Nothing has been thought about before except for our arguments. It comes up naturally, just following this old logic nobody really knows where it is from. I am not sure that we actually share distinctive conversations that the ones we have with our friends, our families. The complicity gives the change."

"What is the most glamorous aspect of your couple?"

"The way we hold hands, all the time… I think that it is a beautiful image of the fusion of souls."

"When did you know that he was the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?"

She had prepared for this question, repeating the sentences over and over in her head. She had ended up elaborating a rather believable scheme and had even sounded convincing in front of the mirror of the bathroom. All the elements were there and she just had to let them go out, falsely pretending a natural confession.

But something odd happened as she opened her mouth to reply. Her brain slowed down, absorbed by the fast beats of her heart. She swallowed hard as an instinctive smile came to lie on her lips, making her blush.

"I guess I am just realizing it now."

"What is your biggest regret about Will?"

"We have wasted so much time."

For the very first time Madeline seemed satisfied. She closed her notebook and stood up, nodding thankfully before heading to her bedroom. From the couch Karen looked at the young girl go away and closed her eyes as she found herself alone.

And then she began to wonder why she had spent her whole day making up lies since in the end, she hadn't used any of those dishonest plans.


	16. What We Need

**Status: double-married, having an affair**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: an Upper East Side penthouse, a country house in the Hamptons, a beach house in the Bahamas, a cabin in Vermont**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates **

**Life tiles: weekly visits to the federal jail of Brooklyn, addiction to alcohol and pills, endless socialite parties, fake marriage to a gay friend**

_"You are independent but let them believe that you need them, for everything. And if you look fragile, a bit lost, it is even better then." Lois Whitley._

The remark had been sharp and incisive _ taking her completely aback _ but the most disturbing part had come from the iciness of the gaze when Madeline had stared at her with a quiet, controlled anger. A chill had run down her spine and instinctively Karen had made a step backwards before retreating to her bedroom through an inaudible reply.

The bath hadn't healed her discomfort, on the contrary. The wonders had invaded her mind and she had started doubting about a thousand things, making her heart speed up its pace dangerously.

"You have no idea how I hate the summer. Those temperatures are killing me."

Reluctantly enough she closed back the door of the fridge and a bottle of water in hand headed to the sofa where Will was reading The New York Times.

He had come back home earlier _ breaking down her boring routine before an empty office and a cruel lack of friends in the city _ but it hadn't changed anything and she could still feel a weight on her shoulders caused by the words she had previously had with the teenager.

"I can change the settings of the air conditioning if you want to though I wouldn't mind if you preferred to take your top off."

His comment didn't get any effect on her and as she went to sit down next to him, Will grabbed her hand, inviting her to settle on his lap instead.

She did.

"What's happening?"

His light tone of voice that flirted more with exasperation than anything else hurt her. He didn't take her seriously, almost never in spite of their new intimacy.

"I guess she doesn't like me."

"Whom are you talking about?"

Her hazel eyes looked towards the bedrooms and she shrugged, lowering her voice until it turned into an odd, hoarse whisper.

"Madeline… She has a thing against me."

"Why, what have you told her?"

Anxiety had finally reached Will's well-known quiet temper but as much as she tried to ignore it, she couldn't help noticing how his last question had immediately tended to accuse her. He was a too bright attorney at times, forgetting a bit too easily that his whole life didn't depend on his clients or this politically correct tone he needed to use towards them constantly.

"When she arrived, I asked her what she thought about a dress I had just bought and she replied very angrily that it would perfectly match my daily vulgarity."

"What have you said then?"

"Nothing… She took me by surprise and… I don't know. I didn't dare to say anything."

Under other circumstances, she would have snapped back with the same eloquence as basic rules of politeness. She would have never let an adolescent talk to her that way and would have dominated the situation from the beginning to the end.

But with Madeline it was different, mysteriously enough.

"She is a teenager, you know. They are moody like that and perhaps she had a bad day. You seemed to get along pretty well until now. Give her some time to calm down and make the peace with herself. It is no big deal."

Passing a leg over his, Karen straddled Will in order to lock her eyes with his; in search of the piece that was missing in her way to comfort. She didn't find it.

"I don't know why I care so much. I mean… I know how the situation is important for you but still, I don't manage to take my distance with this girl when I should. Perhaps I had hoped too much."

"How do you react when it happens with Olivia?"

The allusion to her step-daughter made her blush and she looked away but unconsciously tightened her grip on him.

"We never talk, never share anything. This is the first time I actually have a semblance of interaction with a kid."

It was shameful to reveal such a lame confession about her so-called life with Stanley's family because it highlighted nothing else than the failure of her marriage. And it was sad enough, rather pitiful.

"This is weird."

There hadn't been any transition and her own sentence made her frown. She looked back into his eyes and swallowed hard.

"You and me, I mean. This is weird, so weird…"

They hadn't mentioned anything since the day they had kissed and slept together. They just hadn't stopped anything and got lost into the delighting idea that it sounded normal and fair when it wasn't at all and they both knew it.

"It is weird but I really like it."

Her heart was pounding loud against her chest and she could feel the heat that had suddenly rushed to her cheeks before her unexpected boldness. Half-words but it still sounded like one of her most honest declarations; the ones she never made, not even married.

She wasn't sure what to expect in return; if there was a conventional scheme.

The caress on her cheek came to settle on her nape as his lips made contact with her neck in a tender kiss. She closed her eyes and held him tight, biting the inside of her mouth.

"Are you alright?"

She nodded in silence but didn't let go and plunged her face in his neck instead.

Sometimes it was all what she needed, a gesture of tenderness.


	17. Tin Over Honesty

**Status: double-married, having an affair**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: an Upper East Side penthouse, a country house in the Hamptons, a beach house in the Bahamas, a cabin in Vermont**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates **

**Life tiles: weekly visits to the federal jail of Brooklyn, addiction to alcohol and pills, endless socialite parties, fake marriage to a gay friend**

_"Then go away if you don't like it. Nobody forces you to stay. Go away and never come back here if you think that you can do a lot better without me." Lois Whitley._

As she sat down on the armchair of the bedroom, Karen realized that she had no memory whatsoever of the journey she had just made from Brooklyn to Manhattan. Yet it had probably lasted half an hour _ maybe more if the traffic had been dense _ but her brain seemed to have deleted the slightest aspect of it.

Her mind was blank.

Very slowly her eyes began to wander all around, analyzing the shapes and colors of the furniture; how after three weeks of cohabitation her items had finally littered the place just like Will's. And then she stopped as her gaze reached the bed.

She had shared a lot more there, a lot more than what she would have ever thought to share if not should.

The main door got slammed in the background. It made her jump but she remained on the seat and simply turned her head around. Madeline barely nodded _ imperturbable _ before disappearing in her bedroom, putting on some music.

Two days had passed by and the angry comments had been replaced by a very cold silence. The adolescent seemed to have suddenly cut down the communication with both of them, reducing to a strict minimum the words exchanged. The situation was weighing on the small apartment but curiously enough, nobody had really dared to speak about it yet.

Trying to ignore the mysterious behavior of their guest, Karen turned back her attention to the mattress. Will had changed the sheets a few days ago. The pale gray of the previous days had been substituted by a deep red against which her skin looked extremely pale.

He had told her that she seemed to be made of porcelain.

The reminiscence lit up a shy smile on her lips and she surprised herself blushing as a warm wave of well-being spread over her body. She almost managed to forget about the rest when she concentrated on Will. He was a cruel distraction.

"What are you doing here?"

His voice set off a gasp from her mouth and her heart beating loud in her chest, Karen turned around and looked at Will. He was standing on the doorframe of the bedroom, suitcase in hand.

"You are here early, today."

Abandoning his leather suitcase against a table, Will made a few steps towards her then bent over to kiss her lips softly. He looked happy, and relaxed. She didn't match at all his feelings.

"The office was rather empty so I took advantage of the slow activity to come back here and spend the rest of the day with you instead. Have you talked to Madeline?"

Karen shook her head then shrugged. Every day it was the same. When Will came back from work, he asked her if the situation had changed and if the hostilities had ceased but it remained in spite of their incomprehension.

They would have wished so much that the issue would get solved by itself, without the need to do anything about it. It might have been coward but none of them actually knew how to react before the teenager's behavior.

"I saw Stanley. A few days ago the director of the jail left me a message on your answering machine, telling me that I could visit my husband again; that Stan was back to the normal cell."

Her voice was blank if not deprived of any sentiment but Will nonetheless nodded and sat on the bed, looking at her with an odd seriousness he usually never used with her.

"Ten years ago from today, Stanley and I got married. I don't know whether he had forgotten about it but the only thing he told me this afternoon is that he had never had anything to offer me because he had never been in love with me. What is the traditional tenth anniversary gift? Isn't it tin?"

"I guess so."

"I would have preferred that over a bare honesty."

"Oh, Karen…"

But she interrupted his sentence with a gesture of the hand, up in the air. She shook her head, took a deep breath and sighed. Her body ached inside, not for what she had just said but for the words that were about to come. The pressure was stronger, way too much.

"I have given him ten years of my life. It isn't a mere parenthesis and from now on I need to be sure that I won't waste time again, with anyone. What do you have to offer me, Will?"

She had dreaded this question since the moment it had hit her mind. They had barely alluded to their relation and the actual only comment that had been made had come from her; a sort of implicit declaration that she liked it a lot.

But he hadn't said anything in return.

"What do you have to offer me?"

She repeated her question in the crazy hope that he hadn't heard her properly. She had played the scene over and over, imagining all kind of possible schemes; hoping for one, just one. He would take her in his arms _ lock his eyes with hers _ and tell her that he gave her his heart, his whole life.

But instead Will remained quiet and after a few seconds looked down at the floor in lame apologies. Karen stood up _ a bit unsteadily_ then walked out of the bedroom. She grabbed her bag and mechanically enough just as she had come back from Brooklyn, she left the apartment in a cloud of invisible tears.


	18. Conversation in the Street

**Status: undetermined**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: an Upper East Side penthouse, a country house in the Hamptons, a beach house in the Bahamas, a cabin in Vermont**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates **

**Life tiles: weekly visits to the federal jail of Brooklyn, addiction to alcohol and pills, endless socialite parties, fake marriage to a gay friend**

_"Because you will have gone away doesn't mean that you will feel fine. Most of the time the only thing you get from this kind of decisions is regrets." Lois Whitley._

The place had become icy during her absence and as she closed the door behind her _ turned the lights on _ Karen realized that the house she had lived in for so many years had suddenly adopted the features of an odd stranger.

She had forgotten the smell of the rooms, the delicacy of the furniture and the immensity of the corridors. Her stilettos were resounding loud against the marble floor; only emphasizing her loneliness in the middle of an empty mansion.

Since she would spend some time at Will's apartment, she had given a month off to the people who usually surrounded her, more or less fairly. She just hadn't imagined that she would come back earlier and face such a big place alone, hurt.

Her steps led her to the bathroom. She took her clothes off, mechanically, and stepped into the tub as the hot water was running. The night had fallen over Manhattan and the lights of the buildings were glimmering in the dark _ through the large window _ like a thousand diamonds.

Her fingers followed an invisible path on the window until the steam covered it all and a heavy sensation began to weigh on her chest. She leaned her chin against the edge of the bath tub and closed her eyes.

The tears took away her mascara.

She didn't sleep at all that night. The hours went away slowly as a thousand wonders were oppressing her mind. She had been tactless, abrupt and ridiculously too hopeful. She had probably scared him when they had barely shared two weeks together; a few days of almost nothing for people of their age.

But she had never had any hold over it. For once her sentiments had slipped through her fingers and she had rushed into things, disarmed. It almost sounded logical that it hadn't worked out.

She only stepped out the next morning because she was thirsty and there wasn't any bottle left at the penthouse. The fridge could have remained empty that she wouldn't have cared. She needed to get drunk, to feel light and numbed before the stitching sensation over her heart.

She made it to the deli at the corner of the avenue, sunglasses on. She hadn't bothered to put on makeup and had vaguely tied up her hair in a sort of bun. She was tired but felt harshly alive, way too much.

She was leaving the liquor store _ looking down at the asphalt _ when she bumped into another passer-by.

"Hey, watch out!"

Karen froze then frowned as she realized that she had just run into Madeline. The teenager looked mortified for having pissed off someone but almost found back her false self-confidence as she noticed who the stranger she had hit was.

"Aren't you supposed to be at school?"

"Aren't you supposed to be in The Hamptons? I am on my lunch break."

"And why would I be in The Hamptons?"

"Will told me so."

It is when Karen noticed the cigarette that the teenager was holding matter-of-factly.

"You shouldn't smoke."

"Like I have any advice to get from you, bitch…"

If someone had passed in the street at this exact moment, Karen's slap on Madeline's cheek would have probably caused gasps if not horrified mocks. But there hadn't been any witness. Taken aback by her own gesture Karen made a step backwards and shook her head. She hadn't meant to react that way at all.

"Would you mind to remain polite when you talk to me? You got that for the first two weeks we spent together, have you already forgotten about it?"

"I don't have any lesson to receive from a woman who fools everyone and cheats on her husband when he is in jail. Now I am sorry if you don't like the term but this is exactly what a bitch is to me."

"Get your facts right before insulting someone if you want people to think you are the adult you dream to be."

"Oh please, I know you aren't Will's wife. Your husband's name is Stanley Walker and he is at the federal jail of Brooklyn. I happened to hear the message the director left on the answering machine for you. I had forgotten my charcoals and when I came back to the apartment, someone was leaving a message for you. Now how dare you to give me lessons about what is right and what is wrong when you are getting laid in your husband's back who is probably going through a fucking nightmare right now in jail?"

Madeline's voice had suddenly reached a very high note, pushed by the frustration she had held for a very long time and even though the street was still empty, Karen couldn't help blushing. Her legs were shaking and her mouth was dry.

She felt dizzy.

As she opened her mouth to reply, she realized how she was breathing loud; how fast her heart was pounding in her chest. She wasn't mad at the teenager but on the verge to cry.

"You don't know anything about my life and this is not fair… You are accusing me when you have absolutely no idea what I have been going through for the past months; the hell of things going on in my mind right now. My marriage to Stanley was an announced failure. It never worked out and even if we might have pretended at some point in public, the silence surrounding our private life said it all implicitly."

"That is not a reason to cheat on him. You get a divorce first when things aren't working and then, eventually, you start seeing other people."

Madeline seemed to have calmed down a little but her tone of voice was still resentful and bitter. The truth of her comment came to die in its innocence. Reality wasn't always fit for well-established principles, especially when it came to relationships.

It made Karen laugh, bitterly.

"I haven't planned such a thing. We were just supposed to pretend to be married for you and when the month was over I would come back home as if nothing had happened. It was just supposed to be a role… Damn, I have known Will for almost five years now. He is one of my best friend and it had never crossed my mind that we would… It is going to ruin everything. There are so many aspects of our friendship that go against this but still... I can't help it. It happened and all I know now is that in spite of everything _ in spite of all the consequences weighing on us _ I can't live without him."


	19. What Doesn't Bring Tears To Your Eyes

**Status: undetermined**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: an Upper East Side penthouse, a country house in the Hamptons, a beach house in the Bahamas, a cabin in Vermont**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates **

**Life tiles: weekly visits to the federal jail of Brooklyn, addiction to alcohol and pills, endless socialite parties, fake marriage to a gay friend**

_"I recognize my mistakes and don't blame anyone but me for them. We should have talked and listened to each other. Then perhaps it wouldn't have been that bad." Lois Whitley._

"Why are you living in the dark?"

Leaned against the countertop of the kitchen Karen shrugged at the teenager's question and kept on pouring water into the tea kettle. Just because she had invited Madeline over hadn't meant that she would do any effort of presentation. Two days had passed by since their odd encounter in the street and her whole body ached, now.

She felt exhausted for being alive when it would have been so easier to die.

"I only use a few rooms so the other ones can remain in the dark."

"It is a big place to live in."

"Way too much…"

A long sigh escaped from her lips. Very slowly Karen made her way to a stool and sat down on it, staring at her hands. For most of her life she had kept on smiling _ politely enough _ but it seemed that she had finally reached her limits and it was over now. She didn't want to fool anyone. It required too much energy, besides.

"How was your first time?"

Madeline's question took her completely aback. As much as she hadn't made any plan about the conversation they would share, Karen hadn't imagined the least moment that it would go into this direction but the young girl seemed serious if not vaguely afraid.

"It has been a mistake from the very beginning to the end, a pure nightmare."

"Did it hurt?"

A wave of heat rushed to her cheeks and she looked down immediately. She had never talked of it to anyone, had never felt the need to mainly because it was embarrassing if not shameful. The only time she had actually alluded to it, she had brightened it all to make it look kind of funny when it had been everything but it.

"Not physically if it is what you mean but it still doesn't change the fact that I will probably always regret it. This is not one of my best memories."

"I haven't slept with anyone, never."

The confession surprised her. She shook her head, perplexed.

"I am not sure that I understand. You asked me for my birth control pills, weren't you planning to have sex at some point?"

Madeline belonged to this category of people who smiled when they didn't know what to say or how to apologize; when they felt bad and yet didn't manage to assume it properly, openly.

The tea kettle stopped and Karen stood up to prepare the mugs. The silence that followed her question didn't bother her that much for having the exact same reactions as Madeline most of the time.

"I have never had anyone in mind. I am not sure why I asked you that in the first place. Perhaps I just wanted you to get offended or something."

"Why, it worked. You got me worried and I felt very bad towards your parents and the fact that they actually trusted me to take care of you."

The words hit the air with an odd logic that troubled her more than anything else. For the very first time in her life she was letting go of everything _ her doubts and worries _ and she had never felt so responsible, serious. It sounded a lot like this maternal instinct she had always pretended to be deprived of.

"You took care of me as you should have done. Well, my parents wouldn't be that happy to know I have been given a full box of condoms but… Oh, what I know? They don't care that much in the end."

"Don't say that, Madeline. They do care about you even if they don't show it very often. Don't make the mistake to believe that they don't give a damn because it isn't true and one day you will realize that but it will be too late and you will have wasted a huge amount of time."

"Is it what happened to you?"

The tea was bitter and she made a face as she took a sip of it. After all these years of emptying bottles, she had forgotten that some drinks didn't burn your throat, bringing tears to your eyes. They didn't hide the truth so well either but perhaps it wasn't so bad.

"With my mother, yes, somehow… You know, it isn't easy to be responsible of someone. We all make mistakes so don't blame your parents for their awkwardness, their lack of tact. It might sound stupid but I have learned a lot from those past two weeks by your side. You made me realize a few things and…"

"You don't have children, do you? I mean, I know you don't have any with Will but with your husband…"

"I have two step-children but I know absolutely nothing about them. Maybe it is better like that."

"He isn't fine. It isn't the same without you and in spite of his efforts to make me feel okay I know that he is sad. You don't belong to this penthouse, Karen. Look, you even live in the dark here. He misses you, just as I do."

The lack of transition resulted abrupt and cold. Strangely enough, she would have preferred to keep on talking about Stanley and the mistakes from her past, as shameful as they were. It hurt a lot less than any allusion to Will.

"Oh… Don't be worried, I am not mad at him or anything. I will go back to his place very soon and we will be talking again. But in order to make it all pass as if nothing had happened, I need time to get over… To get over what we call deception."

But she had turned around and opened the fridge to cover her last words. Madeline never heard anything.

"Do you spend a lot of time in this kitchen?"

Karen nodded and took a deep breath before smiling.

"It is the smallest one of the house. The friendliest too…"


	20. Capturing Eternity

**Status: undetermined**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: an Upper East Side penthouse, a country house in the Hamptons, a beach house in the Bahamas, a cabin in Vermont**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates **

**Life tiles: weekly visits to the federal jail of Brooklyn, addiction to alcohol and pills, endless socialite parties, fake marriage to a gay friend**

_"Don't let it go away because we never know. Don't play with it because you could ruin everything. So if you have the chance to find love, keep it safely." Lois Whitley._

Whoever hadn't grown up in Manhattan but eventually moved there with dreams to become someone knew all these schools of Arts by heart; the notes hanging on the wall, the general mess supposed to give a sort of bohemian spirit to the place. As soon as you passed the door of one of them, you couldn't help succumbing to their charms as your hopes strengthened, fantasizing about a glimmering tomorrow.

The disenchantment that followed always remained under silence though.

It reigned the excitement of a premiere, the grand opening people had been waiting for so long as Karen stepped into the hall and looked around. Parents were talking in every corner, program in hand; the brouhaha was going to her head.

Uncomfortable, she tightened her grip on her bag and made a few steps forwards. She didn't like showing up alone at an event, even though she didn't know any of the guests. It reminded her of a time when her invisibility seemed to belong to a harsh logic and the silence she used to face only deepened burning injuries. Life had changed. She had changed. But sometimes she still didn't fit in and it was hard for her to deal with it when it brought a latent pain.

"Oh I am so glad you finally came, Karen."

Madeline appeared suddenly in front of her, highly excited by the perspective of the evening. Her smoky eyes looked darker but for once it seemed to suit rather well her personality and it didn't sound absurd or exaggerated. She looked young but happy and fine.

"I couldn't miss the final exhibition of your summer classes. Now tell me where it is and if there is anything to drink because I am thirsty."

The teenager's questioning look made her roll her eyes and sigh.

"It doesn't necessarily have to be alcohol."

"Drinking won't resolve anything."

Before Madeline's tone full of reproach, Karen didn't insist and swallowed back any kind of comment. It wasn't the right place or the right time.

They walked down the hall and stepped into an auditorium full of people admiring black and white photographs hung on the walls.

"I am sure that you will find the object of your attention. Talk to you later."

Before she had time to react, Karen found herself alone again in the middle of the crowd. Nobody was paying attention to her but she still could feel the weight of gazes on her; the murmurs in her back commenting about her well-known failures.

This was how it worked in the high society so why would it be different there? Rumors spread quickly, with a bitter easiness.

Taking a deep breath she finally made a step forwards and began to study the photographs. She didn't stop on the faces, getting lost in the contrasts of shades instead. Capturing a movement had always resulted fascinating, a bit unique before the fact it was the only way to have a hold over time. A moment remained suspended in spite of the seconds passing by and you engraved it forever in your mind, in your heart.

At first her eyes recognized the tree, its large branches with the multitude of leaves. Then she looked down at the bench that formed a line of continuity _ symbol of strength and eternity _ before which their fingers were sweetly getting intertwined.

She would have wished nothing but to turn around and leave, forgetting thus something that should have been a mere fantasy, a secret one, but her legs refused to move and she stayed there, like hypnotized by her own pain.

"This is what I have to offer you: my heart."

His voice sent a chill down her spine but she didn't move, didn't turn around to face him. For the past five years, they had already spent more than a month apart from each other. It hadn't changed anything, then.

But this time a mere week had passed by and yet it sounded more like a decade if not a whole life.

"I know that I took you by surprise. Excuse me for that. It is just that… I am not that young anymore and I can't afford to waste my time. This is not a lie. I want to spend the rest of my life in your arms."

She felt his hand on her wrist and restrained a gasp, swallowing back the rest of her sentence. The place was still crowded but passing unnoticed had suddenly turned into something more appealing to her. Her eyes had remained on the photograph all along, on those intertwined hands resting against an old bench of Central Park.

"Would you look at me?"

His breath was hot against her ear. She swallowed hard and obeyed, turning around slowly. She had missed his brown gaze, the uncertainty that always lit up his pupils as soon as he happened to look at her.

He was lost and confused but for some reason she found it reassuring and it gave her more self-confidence.

His honesty was bare, rare enough. She bit her lower lip, frowned.

"Can we go back home now?"


	21. Airport Times

**Status: getting a divorce, into a relationship**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: an Upper East Side penthouse, a country house in the Hamptons, a beach house in the Bahamas, a cabin in Vermont**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates **

**Life tiles: weekly visits to the federal jail of Brooklyn, addiction to alcohol and pills, endless socialite parties, fake marriage to a gay friend**

_"The problem is that it won't bring you money or fame. It won't help you to settle down this kind of plans but still, love will come along happiness." Lois Whitley._

She hadn't grown accustomed to feel the palm of his hand against hers. The gesture rather belonged to an implicit logic, even perhaps a vital need as if a skin-to-skin contact could bring life through her veins. It reassured her too but she never said it, barely smiled if someone alluded to it.

"Where is the flight attendant in charge of you? We can't let you go if there isn't an adult accompanying you."

The remark made everyone laugh but her. It was excessive _ sweet enough but still _ the fact was that she didn't want the teenager to leave. Time should have got suspended, sweeping away the apprehension that made her heart beat faster, that reduced her nights to fragile insomnias and blank wonders.

What would happen once that Madeline would have gone away? A page would be over but the next one was uncertain and a bit cold.

"What does she need a flight attendant to make the few steps to the boarding gate for? She isn't a child anymore, Karen."

"As long as she isn't on the plane, she remains under my responsibility. That's all."

But the seconds left vanished and they eventually had to say goodbye. Reluctantly, Karen let go of Will's hand and looked how he hugged the young girl. The last days had been the best ones they had spent, even with this ounce of bitterness that hadn't stopped floating upon their heads before the imminent closure of what had been a determining parenthesis of their lives.

Her eyes found Madeline's and with a barely hidden awkwardness, she wrapped her arms around the teenager's frame. As they broke apart the embrace, Karen leaned over.

"You owe me a box of condoms."

"This is not how you are going to get children."

The whispers flew away carried on by a complicit gaze between both of them and before Karen had a chance to realize what was happening, Madeline had left.

"Do you mind if we stay here until the plane takes off?"

Will planted a soft kiss on top of her head then passed his hand on her lower back, guiding her through the airport crowd.

"Let's have a coffee at some place then."

The easiness with which we could reduce to ashes a whole decade within a second was very strange but for once she had lived it very well. After the exhibition at Madeline's school, she had gone back to Will's place and never left again; only packed her things the next morning at the mansion and turned the lights off once and for all over her life with Stanley.

The divorce would be settled down before the fall.

The plane took off and they headed back to Manhattan, spending the night alone _ together _ for the first time. It was odd but sweet enough as if their own story should have stopped with the teenager's departure and yet they felt the urge to break the rules then go on.

And like in some strange movie where the scenes would repeat over and over, they found themselves back at the airport the next afternoon. The expectation was different though, a lot more stressing if not dreaded.

Grace was coming back and Jack would follow the next morning.

Just like when they had said goodbye to Madeline, Karen was holding Will's hand tightly as the first passengers of the flight from San Francisco were passing the security doors. As much as she would have loved imposing herself and her own sentiments, she knew that as soon as she would see her friend, her fingers would slip through his and she would take her distance with him.

It was the way it had to be.

And then Grace appeared, travel bag in hand; smiling brightly as she saw them a few feet away. Will waved at her and against all expectations tightened his grip on Karen's hand as he guided her through the crowd of relatives and friends waiting for the passengers.

He wouldn't let go of her hand. He wouldn't follow the implicit plans.

Without any warning he turned around, cupped her face in his hand and leaned over to capture her lips in a deep kiss. Perhaps she tried to resist for a few seconds but eventually let him do; trying to engrave in her mind what would be their very last kiss in public.

Will broke apart, planting a light kiss on her lips again; looked straight into her eyes.

"I love you, Karen."

He hugged her tight, plunged his face in the depths of her neck. Then, with his typical self-confidence she had always envied, he passed his hand on her waist and turned around.

He had taken his time, hadn't hidden anything as she had thought he would. It hadn't been a stolen kiss before a rush of lies but on the contrary the affirmation of his honesty.

If he hadn't been holding her hand, Karen would have never dared to look at her friend straight in the eyes, not in a defying motion but with all the humility of her heart.

Because Grace had had enough time to make her way through the crowd and stop _ taken aback _ as she had witnessed the intimacy of their act.


	22. Being The One

**Status: into a relationship**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: a two-bedroom apartment in The Upper West Side**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates but more and more tempted by Countryside Acres**

**Life tiles: being happy**

_"I have been wrong many, many times. I just don't want you to make the same mistakes as I did because you don't deserve such a horrible pain." Lois Whitley._

Perhaps it was just meant to be because nobody argued, no door got slammed and life went on with an awkwardness that didn't last very long.

Grace let them speak. Jack nodded then smiled, amused and rather delighted by the perspective of the two of them getting involved in what looked like a serious relationship. Anyone would have dreamed about such perfect reactions _ a complete understanding and wise acceptation from people who meant so much into a life _ but the absence of conflict left Karen a bit disarmed.

As much as she was glad to be able to evolve freely with Will, it didn't sound right as if Grace and Jack were just pretending. Remaining quiet was oppressive.

She had tried to speak about it with them at the very beginning but they had had the identical reaction to sweep away the attempt by a gesture of the hand, shrugging and promising that they were fine with the new situation.

October arrived following an odd routine _ a smooth one _ until they got to spend a weekend at Marilyn and George's house for a family reunion that would also happen to be the official announcement of Will and Karen's relationship.

The first hours got absorbed in the conventional introductions, polite words and semblance of conversations but by the end of the afternoon and as she turned around, Karen didn't find any well-known face. Will was talking to his father in the backyard, Jack was nowhere to be seen and Grace had gone upstairs for quite a while.

She was feeling lost and lonely among strangers who nonetheless were supposed to be now part of her family. Yet the mere notion had always been vague, blurry. Timidly but passing completely unnoticed, she retreated to Will's bedroom in silence.

She was failing and didn't like it.

The house was familiar to her though she had never spent the night over and barely knew the first floor. That's probably why she mistook Will's bedroom door for George's office and walked in on Grace who was staring by the window, blankly.

"What are you doing here?"

She had always been impulsive, talking before observing as if she would always lack time and needed everything in a rush. She would have noticed Grace's sad gaze, the deep features of her face if she had taken her time properly. Closing the door quietly behind her, Karen made a few steps and sat down on an armchair; glad enough to escape from people she barely knew and made her feel uncomfortable enough.

"I needed to think about a couple of things."

Grace's voice was blank, cold and bitter. It made her anxious and she looked down at the floor instinctively.

"You don't seem to be very fine."

"I will never find anyone. The four of us are trapped into this peculiar friendship and we will never accept someone else. It will never work out. You have no idea how lucky you are to have Will because I know that it won't happen for me with Jack and I will be alone for the rest of my life now."

"Don't be silly, Gracie. Of course you will find someone."

"No, I won't because we are so exclusive and yet we don't have any control over it. It is like we need each other to go on but if anyone else tries to step in our little sphere, the balance is broken and it doesn't work anymore. It isn't against you. As much as I had hopes at some point over Will, I know that it is over now and I have turned the page; even before you two started dating. It is more a sort of realization, full of bitterness since I am going to miss out a lot of things I had spent time dreaming about."

"You know what you have and I don't? Will's brothers, his cousins, his aunts, his uncles, Marilyn and George… You are the one they consider as family, the one they like and respect because you have been there since the very beginning. You have a lot more than what you think, Grace. You aren't lonely at all."

But Grace shook her head, not at all convinced.

"I have never wanted things to change and I know it is selfish because you have never been… You have never been as happy as you are now and you deserve it, of course. Though I wish nothing but finding back our previous years and get time suspended. I don't want us to get older, reach for new responsibilities and adopt a new life style. I won't be able to handle it because I need you all and yet I know that more or less soon, it will happen. Our little world is going to explode, we are going to walk separate ways but since time will have passed by, I will have missed my chances and I will remain lonely for the rest of my life. I don't want any of us to have children or get married. I don't want any of this… I don't like this kind of perspective and yet this is the one you have adopted with Will."

"I don't want things to change either."

"But they did, the day you got involved into a relationship with Will. And I hate myself for thinking such a thing. I am sorry."

A bit taken aback, Karen grabbed her friend's hand and held it tight forcing thus her to look into her hazel eyes.

"We will never leave you behind. This is just impossible. Don't you know the place you have in Will's life? He owes you everything. I should be the jealous one because I know that as much as I will try, I will never be Grace to anyone."

As she stepped under the blanket that night and cuddled against Will, Karen didn't say anything about the conversation she had had. But as he turned the lights off and they found themselves in the dark, she couldn't help swallowing hard stifled cries.

She would never be the one.


	23. Madeline's Philosophy

**Status: into a relationship**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: a two-bedroom apartment in The Upper West Side**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates but more and more tempted by Countryside Acres**

**Life tiles: being happy**

_"Love at first sight might not exist but you will still be able to know when you find yourself before the right man. It is instinctive, a pure logic; an incredible chance that you aren't allowed to miss." Lois Whitley._

His hand slid on her stomach _ his fingers getting intertwined with hers _ and as he planted a kiss on her neck, she smiled.

"Why don't we just stay here a bit longer this morning? We aren't in a hurry."

His hand travelled down to the zipper of her skirt in a mischievous motion. She giggled, leaning her head backwards to rest against his chest. She liked a lot those moments, when there were only the two of them and she put all the rest aside.

It sounded perfect, sweet.

"It is just impossible, honey. Madeline arrives this afternoon and I want everything to be ready."

"You have missed her, haven't you?"

Still trapped in his arms, Karen nonetheless managed to grab her top then put it on. She was restraining a smile, more by timidity than anything else. Her life might have changed a lot those past few months but dealing with her feelings publicly was still an issue for her; as much as she tried to be more open.

She shrugged, falsely pretending to be detached.

"She is a nice girl. I am glad she decided to come back even just for a weekend."

She had just failed and she didn't like it. It always left a bitter taste in her mouth and the words she had wanted to say but hadn't found the courage to let come out hit hard in her brain, painfully.

She wasn't happy to see Madeline back. It went beyond that because deep inside Karen knew how she owed everything to the teenager; how without her, she would probably not be there in Will's arms.

"I love you."

She swallowed hard before the three words she had barely been able to add.

The morning flew away through more or less pointless comings and goings around the apartment. Jack remained quiet, rather amused by his friend's barely contained excitement. She looked like a little girl; jumping around, clapping her hands as a constant smile was lighting up her face.

It was odd coming from Karen. Since the beginning of her relationship with Will, she had been very calm as if she had wanted nothing but to pass unnoticed in order to avoid any drama. All of a sudden, she seemed to be back to life; unexpectedly enough.

Before she could realize it, she was standing in front of the arrival doors at the airport. Her hand was holding Will's just like the last time they had seen Madeline. They had gone through a lot since then, not always easily and as much as she would have loved saying that they were strong now, she couldn't help sometimes feeling weak.

But perhaps it was the way it had to be and they would strengthen all along; through a slow process instead of wanting everything immediately.

Then she appeared; same dark makeup, black clothes on. Her smile made the whole difference.

The afternoon passed by smoothly. Grace's apprehension over the one who had pushed her friends in each other's arms vanished as she began to discuss with the teenager, the tension of the first minutes being swept away.

But it wasn't until late in the afternoon that Karen finally managed to be alone with Madeline. Everyone was getting ready to go to the restaurant _ taking showers, changing outfits _ and so she took advantage of it to have the conversation she had always wanted to have, awkwardly enough as usual.

Madeline had stepped out on the terrace, barefoot as she had done all along the summer they had spent together. She had gone there so many times, remaining quiet and observing the city spread below. It seemed that it was her own way to escape, to concentrate on her dreams.

Quietly enough Karen joined her, her arms crossed on her chest. The temperatures of the fall were far from the heat of the summer and the sun looked so pale in the light of the end of the day that the scene resulted melancholic enough for not being as identical to what they had previously lived as it should.

"How come you aren't pregnant yet?"

With a bold smile, Madeline turned around and looked at Karen straight in the eyes. She hadn't lost any bit of her self-confidence, on the contrary. She had grown up and got even more of it.

"Why are you so obsessed with me having a baby?"

"Isn't it the dream of the average couple?"

"Will and I are certainly not the average couple. Watch your language!"

Karen's remark made the teenager laugh.

"You know what I mean. You would be such a good mother. It is too bad that you don't seem to be thinking about it."

"This is something that requires time. We have to work on other things before. It hasn't been easy every day, you know. It still isn't."

"Who said that it was supposed to be? Just don't give up because you feel frustrated at some point. It is normal to have doubts."

"You are barely sixteen…"

"That doesn't mean I am necessarily wrong on everything."

The breeze caressed Karen's nape. She shivered, crossed her arms tighter.

"I am seeing my mother, regularly. We had had a chaotic relation since I had run away from home at your age. It is awkward at times but… I understood that she wasn't the only one to blame for what happened. It was more complicated and I had my part of responsibility in it, just as other people did. I owe that to you, Madeline; indirectly but still. You have been the mirror I had never had and yet needed."

"I am sure that you would have sorted things out even without me."

"Why do you say that?"

"I don't believe in coincidences. If things happen, it is because they were meant to be; just like you and Will."


	24. A Precarious Balance

**Status: divorced, into a relationship**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: a two-bedroom apartment in The Upper West Side**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates but more and more tempted by Countryside Acres**

**Life tiles: being happy, getting along with parents, thinking about pregnancy**

_"Don't remain silent if you are worried. Take a deep breath, choose the right moment and please, do speak." Lois Whitley._

The floor was warm under her feet. She liked the sensation, as if the sun had always lied on the wood before just to make sure that she would feel comfortable enough as soon as she would walk without her shoes on.

As soon as she came back from outside, she stepped out of her stilettos and abandoned them haphazardly in the apartment. There was something special about the gesture, something she was learning little by little after years of high heels in a cold if not icy mansion. She needed changes, to turn the page radically.

"When do you have to see your mother?"

"Tomorrow, we settled for lunch."

She stepped out of the bathroom _ wrapped in a towel _ and headed straight to the armchair where she always put her clothes on. The fall had been swept away by the gray sky and as the first snow flakes had fallen over Manhattan, life had embraced them in the winter without any warning; as if following a logic that sometimes she didn't understand that much.

They had adopted a routine very quickly, just like an old married couple when they had barely been dating for a few months at the end. It was odd, surprising and troubling sometimes. They barely argued, barely misunderstood each other when it was all she had known in her relationships until now.

She lacked references, even though they were bad ones.

She dropped the towel on the floor and cast a glance at Will who was still in bed but against all expectations, he sighed and turned his back at her as she did so. Confused, she hooked her bra and stepped in her skirt after adjusting her garter belts; buttoned her blouse.

The silence was odd and extremely uncomfortable. They usually talk a lot in the morning, randomly or not but they always shared something. Remaining quiet was destabilizing and it made her panic.

Will was sat on the edge of the mattress, staring blankly by the window how the pale light of the winter seemed to take away the last colors of the previous seasons, turning it all into ice. She climbed on the bed and made her way to him; sat in his back and passed her arms around his waist then planted a kiss on his nape.

"Is everything alright?"

"Yes…"

"Your lack of enthusiasm brightened the shortness of your answer."

It wasn't a reproach but a sweet attempt to let him understand that she was there; ready to listen to what he had to say.

"I am not going to give you a whole lecture about such a stupid question!"

His angry tone of voice made her jump and automatically, Karen let go of her grip on him. Her heart was beating fast all of a sudden. She felt dizzy, fragile.

"Excuse me. I didn't mean to be harsh."

She smiled shyly at his immediate apologies but nonetheless kept her distance with him. The scene was bringing a sad reminiscence to her mind, sending chills down her spine. She had given into so many fights in the past, so many arguments and fits that a remark was enough now to stir up a high sentiment of panic.

At least Will had noticed her discomfort right away and hadn't insisted, on the contrary.

"I am really, really sorry, Kare. Please, forgive me. I didn't want to react this way."

"I know."

Karen shrugged but didn't move, looked down at the bed instead.

People used to say that perfection didn't exist but since she was with Will, she felt like she had nonetheless reached it. The only difference was that her conception of perfection was an intelligent balance between negative and positive aspects of their day-to-day life, of their tempers as well. She didn't like thinking that it might still be as precarious as a house of cards.

"It is just that I was thinking about a few things I have to deal with at the moment and… It isn't easy."

"Are you referring to your job? Is something wrong at the office?"

Carefully enough, she approached her hand of his before pressing it tight in a supportive motion. The phone rang in the background but someone took the call, probably Grace.

"No, everything is going alright at the office. It doesn't have to do with that at all."

"Is it something I told you?"

Her question made him laugh, lightly. He shook his head as well and let a long sigh slide on his lips.

"Will… If there is something that bothers you, you know that you can tell me about it. I might not be able to solve anything but sometimes… Sometimes it is relieving to confess our worries. You are the one who pushed me to do so in the past and even though I only accepted in rare occasions, I always knew that you were right. You can tell me everything, you know that?"

"No, I can't. Not this time…"

It seemed that she had just been stabbed right in the heart and could actually feel it bleeding, oppressing her throat; covering her eyes with tears. All the previous men she had shared her live with had always refused to talk. The lack of communication _ getting a bitter echo in the lack of trust _ had probably precipitated the downfall of her relations.

She had thought that Will was different.

His arms wrapped up her frame and she let him do, a bit blankly. The hug was awkward but he didn't seem to notice anything.

"Are you mad at me for not telling you?"

"Of course not, honey…"

She wasn't mad. It was way too painful for that.


	25. When Fiction Flirts With Reality

**Status: divorced, into a relationship**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: a two-bedroom apartment in The Upper West Side**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates but more and more tempted by Countryside Acres**

**Life tiles: being happy, getting along with parents, thinking about pregnancy**

_"Don't show your feelings to anyone or you can be sure that people won't hesitate to use you." Lois Whitley._

"Congratulations, you just had twins. The bank gives you $2,000. Please change your insurance and add two more people to your brand new SUV."

With a loud sigh of exasperation, Karen put the card on the bottom of the pile and proceeded to the changes under the barely hidden laughs of her friends. She swallowed hard, mad at herself for caring so much about a fictive situation.

"I swear that if this game announces me that I am the proud owner of a suburban house in New Jersey, I stop playing."

"Why, is it a matter of fight with Will? I am surprised he hasn't mentioned Scarsdale instead."

Against all expectations she preferred to ignore Grace's comment and went for a bottle of water in the fridge.

She had known even before they had started to play that it would be a bad idea. The only game she liked was poker, because it was all about lies and appearances. It matched better with her temper when the fantasy of a new existence resulted bitter and not very entertaining in spite of what The Game of Life kept on promising.

Reluctantly she sat back at the table and observed the twins she had just added in her car. There were still two seats available but yet the place looked narrow, oppressing.

"I can't believe that you have everything I am dreaming about. A husband, children… Why is my car still empty? How come I don't manage to get married?"

"It is just a game, Grace. It is no big deal."

"The situation is rather funny though. You are married to a lawyer that could have been Grace's since she missed her turn at the beginning for going to college, you are an assistant and now you have twins."

Jack's remark only managed to increase the pain that was pressing on her throat. Of course she hadn't missed the strange similitude with real life. The irony was sharp though and all of a sudden the game was not as funny as it should have been.

"These are only two pieces of red plastic that I have just inserted into a bigger piece of red plastic. They don't look like babies to me."

"But have you guys talked about the eventuality yet?"

"What eventually do you mean?"

"Having children…"

A chill ran down her spine, putting a definitive end to the contemplation of her so-called family waiting sagely in the middle of a fictive road. Things hadn't improved between Will and her, on the contrary. He seemed more and more distant for a reason she kept on ignoring and it hurt, silently.

"I don't see when we would have talked about it since he is never here."

As much as she had never liked talking about her sentimental life, it was worse when the situation wasn't alright. Instinctively her hazel eyes studied the empty chair next to hers. He had called in the afternoon to say that he had an important dinner with a client and so he wouldn't be able to make it on time for the evening.

She would have wanted nothing but to believe him though it was hard. She knew this kind of excuses by heart, the way the door got closed in the middle of the night and he went to bed as quietly as he could while she kept on pretending to be sleeping. She had gone through it with every single man she had shared her life with.

"Is there something wrong, Karen?"

Grace's tone highlighted a sudden anxiety. She bit the inside of her mouth and looked up at her friends then shrugged.

"I guess he is growing tired of me."

"What makes you think that?"

"He has been very distant lately and when I asked him if he was stressed because of work, he told me that it wasn't the reason but nonetheless refused to confess anything more. He doesn't want to speak and… I don't know. Every thing I do seems to exasperate him."

"When was the last time you had sex?"

"You can have sex with someone and still remain distant, Jack. It isn't all about it."

Grace leaned over and grabbed her hand, intending a supportive smile that only resulted awkward.

"I am sure that it is just stress and he thought you didn't need to suffer from it so he kept it for himself. He has had a lot of work, lately. Don't be worried and play, it is your turn."

She pushed the car to the corresponding case and picked up a card.

"Bad news, you are getting a divorce. Your husband keeps the house and gets the full custody of your children if you have any. Please remove any passenger of your car and give $6,000 of alimony."

It seemed that a veil of deep discomfort had plunged the apartment in a cold silence. A few seconds passed by _ slowly enough _ until she couldn't hold it any longer.

"Are you happy now, Grace? You aren't the only one whose car is empty."

But before anyone had time to reply, Karen stood up violently and rushed to the bedroom. She slammed the door but didn't stop there and went straight to the bathroom where she would have a chance to be locked and far from anyone.

She was breathing loud _ shaking uncontrollably _ and after casting a glance at the room, she settled down on the floor to burst into tears.

"Karen, it is just a game."

"Leave me alone, Jack!"

"Will isn't going to leave you. He loves you way too much for that. Open the door, now."

Leaned against the tub, she closed her eyes tight and covered her ears with her hands. All she knew about Will was that his absence was cruelly painful that evening. The rest was blurry, frightening.


	26. Getaway

**Status: divorced, into a relationship or so**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: a two-bedroom apartment in The Upper West Side**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates but more and more tempted by Countryside Acres**

**Life tiles: series of failures**

_"The main thing is that we get addicted way too easily. We think that we are fooling them, that the situation is between our hands but the truth is that we are at their mercy and soon enough we realize that we can't live without men." Lois Whitley._

She had wished that she would never wake up. After all, many people died in their sleep so why could it not happen to her as well? She would have gone slowly _ floating for a moment over their bed _ before reaching the clouds and sit down there to admire what she had left behind. There wouldn't have been any problem then, any heartache in the morning or the heavy sensation to have been crying in her dreams.

But she had opened her eyes and faced the window; looked how the sky had been cleared, a pale blue of winter. And then there had been his arms around her frame, the weight of his head in her back.

He had planted a kiss on her shoulder and tightened his grip on her; sighed. Of course he had been told about her breakdown and she had felt so stupid all of a sudden.

She hadn't waited for him the evening before. Abdicating to a melancholic fatigue she had gone to bed within a word for Jack or Grace who had nonetheless seemed relieved when she had stepped out of the bathroom without any apparent injury.

She had stopped crying too.

Against all expectations she had fallen asleep very easily and hadn't heard Will come back, at any moment. He had though and probably never let go of her all night long until the morning.

After being sure that she was fine, he had asked her to pack. He had taken a day off and they would go away for the weekend, far from Manhattan and the stress of the city. As much as she would have preferred to stay in bed and cry, she had quietly nodded at his request and before she could notice it, they had left.

The journey remained quiet if not tensed. Since he was driving, she couldn't allude to the breakdown she had had the previous evening and if she had had to be honest, she might not want to speak about it at all. For some reason her excessive reaction looked extremely absurd now, childish and exaggerated.

When they finally stopped in some seaside village, she simply stepped out of the car and followed him inside what looked like an old Bed and Breakfast.

They had been on the road for such a long time that all she wanted to do was walk and breathe some fresh air by the sea. It was raining but she didn't care. The smell of the ocean was rocking her peacefully, nourishing her body of a brand new energy.

"Had you planned this getaway?"

Sat on the bed, she finally abandoned the contemplation of the beach by the window and turned around to stare at Will instead. He was unpacking meticulously, checking the room in its least detail.

He shook his head, not daring to look into her eyes but didn't say anything.

"You know, you don't have to take me on a trip just because I burst into tears."

Her vague boldness took him aback. He remained still for a few seconds and finally swallowed hard before sighing remorsefully.

"I haven't spent a lot of time with you lately and even though it won't change the past, I thought that going away for the weekend would be a good occasion for us to be together; and alone, without Jack or Grace walking in on us at any moment."

It made her smile, not necessarily the words but the way he had said them; with a barely contained nervousness, some sort of terrible awkwardness. She stood up, went for her coat and a scarf.

"Let's go for a walk on the beach."

"It is raining."

"And windy, just the way it has to be… Come on."

Will didn't resist that long to her tended arm and very soon they were walking on the wet sand. The immensity of the place sent back the odd sensation of smallness to her mind, emphasizing the fragile side of her personality. She didn't let go of his hand and kept on smiling as the waves were loudly crashing a few feet away.

"I would have never imagined that you could enjoy walking under the rain."

Karen shrugged at his remark. She was actually delighted by the situation even though nothing was really clear between the two of them; nothing had been solved.

"It wouldn't be as sweet if you already knew everything about me; and vice-versa."

"So you think that it is sweet?"

In spite of the cold, Karen felt the heat rush to her cheeks. She looked down at her feet immediately, shrugged as she smiled shyly.

"Of course… It even goes beyond."

"Kare, I am really sorry if I made you cry. I didn't want…"

Rising her hand in the air she stopped him immediately and shook her head. She could feel the tears come back to her eyes, the pain oppressing her throat. She swallowed hard.

"Not now, not today… I don't want to talk about it now."

He didn't insist and they remained quiet on their way back to the small hotel.

She was taking her coat off _ next to the fireplace _ when she felt his hands slide on her waist from behind. He planted a chaste kiss on her neck and rested his forehead on her shoulder.

"I love you, Karen."


	27. Mentioning And Lying

**Status: divorced, into a relationship or so**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: a two-bedroom apartment in The Upper West Side**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates but more and more tempted by Countryside Acres**

**Life tiles: series of failures**

_"There is no situation that you can't handle. If you are panicking, breathe _ slowly, deeply _ and you will find the solution that in spite of your wishes, might not result to be honesty." Lois Whitley._

Her frustration finally met with her impatience and she decided to throw on the bed every single item contained in her bag. A brief glance resulted enough to draw the conclusion that it wasn't there either.

Her heart was beating loud, quickly. Her mouth was dry and her hands shaking uncontrollably.

She had looked everywhere, from her suitcase to the pockets of her pants; in vain. Twenty-three years that she took it every day and all of a sudden _ for whatever reason _ she had forgotten it in New York. Perhaps their precipitated departure was to blame, as well as the thousand wonders that had been haunting her mind and so she hadn't realized that she hadn't packed it with all the rest.

What was she going to do, now?

She swallowed back a moan and buried her face in her hands.

They had stopped in such a small village that she seriously doubted anyone would be able to help her in anyway there and the option of going to the nearest town seemed a bit absurd if not pointless. The stores would be closed on a Sunday and the hospital full if there was any.

In a long sigh supposed to calm her down she turned around and grabbed her agenda but her eyes began to wander on the calendar. Calculating didn't make sense that much. If they didn't use protection, she could get pregnant at any moment; just as it had happened when she was still a teenager.

And they had made love the night before, twice. But by then she had had no idea that she might have forgotten her birth control pills.

"I can't believe that you are carrying along so many things in your bag."

Will's light tone of voice made her jump. She swept away her wonders _ or at least pretended to _ and gave him a forced smile while putting back in her bag all the items littering the mattress.

"Are you done with the bathroom? I would like to use it now."

"Sure…"

She almost rushed to it, slamming the door behind her. For the second time she went through her toilet bag and her vanity case but the tablet was nowhere to be seen.

"Karen, is everything alright? You look a bit nervous."

"Yeah, I am… I am fine."

She took a deep breath and stepped out of the bathroom looking as relaxed as she could.

She could have told him of course but for some reason it made her feel uncomfortable, embarrassed and ashamed. Could not mentioning something be assimilated to a lie?

"What would you like to do, today?"

"I don't know… Making the night last a bit longer would be just fine."

His hands slid on her waist _ molding his body to hers _ but as he planted a kiss on her neck she couldn't help shuddering. Will noticed her reaction and stopped, taken aback.

"Have I hurt you?"

She shook her head and captured his lips in a deep kiss. For the past hours while the sun hadn't risen yet, it had seemed that they were back together just like at the beginning of their relation and there wasn't any worry, any secret held from each other. She had enjoyed their complicity, the sweetness of their gazes and the constant attention they had used.

It had contrasted so much with the last weeks.

"We should take advantage of the fact it isn't raining and go for a walk on the beach or maybe even the village."

If she hadn't forgotten her birth control pills, she would have gladly accepted his mischievous offer and would have already been undressing him. But instead they found themselves out in the deserted streets _ hand in hand _ and quietly.

The village being even smaller than what she had imagined, they reached the beach very soon. It was just as empty as the day before except for a man walking his dog on the other end, near the harbor.

Her eyes stopped on the rocks and instinctively she pressed Will's hand to head in their direction.

"Let's climb them to have a full perspective of the ocean."

Her suggestion left him perplexed but with a smile on her face Karen took off her rain boots and rolled up her pants. Before Will could say anything she was already on top of the rocks, feeling the abrupt shape under her feet. She settled there, waiting sagely for him to join.

He did but as he seemed reluctant to sit down by her side, she laughed softly then gave him her own improvised seat. She settled down between his legs and leaned vaguely backwards against his chest. She was fine in his arms, felt safe.

She would have wished nothing but enjoy the silence all along. At least it was a subtle way to avoid all the rest. But Will took another decision and spoke, his chin on her shoulder.

"I have never wanted to cause you any sorrow, Karen. I am deeply sorry if I made you cry. This wasn't intended at all, on the contrary. It isn't that I don't trust you or anything but…"

"Is it because you are mad at me? Have I done something wrong that would have upset you? I just want an answer. In the meantime seeing you stressed and so quiet is very troubling. It reminds me of a couple of things I don't want to assimilate to what we live."

"I am not angry at all and you aren't responsible of all this. I am in the middle of a sort of adjustment, for the two of us. Very soon you will understand better but please, for the moment, don't take it bad if I remain quiet."

"Is it superstition?"

The question made him laugh. He planted a kiss on her cheek then shook his head.

"No, it isn't. However I can tell you that I am not lying either. And I will never do."

She thought about her birth control pills forgotten in Manhattan; how they had made love and she hadn't been able to take her medicine properly, with all the potential consequences it could bring. She swallowed hard and caressed his arms; closed her eyes.

"Me either, honey…"


	28. Colors Of a Soul

**Status: divorced, into a relationship or so**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: a two-bedroom apartment in The Upper West Side**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates but more and more tempted by Countryside Acres**

**Life tiles: series of failures**

_"The only reason why you shouldn't hold hopes is because more or less soon, you will end up disappointed and there might not be anyone to back you up then." Lois Whitley._

She had always hated supermarkets. It reminded her of a time she would have preferred to forget but that in spite of the years seemed to stick to her mind like one of those nightmares that wouldn't go away even after having opened your eyes.

It was worse on Christmas time. The place was crowded and people were so loud that she could feel a headache latently beat against her temples as her misanthropy suddenly showed up and she wished nothing but to run away as soon as possible.

She had just wanted to be polite with Marilyn, not that they didn't get along but their relation seemed forced and awkward at times. Since they had been invited for a family dinner before Christmas Eve, taking charge of a last-minute grocery shopping had sounded like a good idea; until she had passed the door of the deli with Grace and realized her mistake.

Children were crying at every single corner while exhausted parents picked up the products like automats. The excitement of the celebrations had reached a point of no-return and among the crowd of strangers, Karen swore to herself that she would never live in the suburbs. At least in Manhattan the streets were big enough to escape from the oppressing sentiment to be trapped in an infernal scheme that had never sounded right or appealing to her.

"It says three bottles of wine but obviously Marilyn forgot that you were here. How many do you want us to take?"

The question stopped her right in the middle of an aisle, setting off a storm of doubts in her head. She had planned to remain silent about it as long as there wasn't anything sure and make a sort of official announcement after, hopefully. But one more time it seemed that fate had taken another decision over her original idea.

"Oh I don't drink during the holidays, never. So I will stick to water."

Grace's dubitative face expression troubled her. It shouldn't have happened that way, with no time to think about it and in such impersonal place. Dancing nervously on her feet, Karen shrugged and looked aside at the baby diapers sagely placed next to her feet.

"I think I might be pregnant."

"Oh my god… I didn't know that you were trying to have a baby!"

"We aren't."

Her voice broke down but curiously enough she didn't feel like crying. It went beyond this sentiment, as if the slightest emotion had suddenly left her body and she had been left there, bare and lifeless.

"How long…"

"A week and a half which isn't normal because I am on the pill and never had any problem of this sort until now."

"Who cares if it is an accident? I would rather call it a sign. You know how Will wants nothing but to be a dad. He is going to be so happy."

A child ran down the aisle, hitting Karen without apologizing. For whatever reason, it made her feel bad and sad.

"The problem is that it isn't an accident. I knew that we weren't using protection but… He had planned this romantic getaway and all of a sudden I realized that I had forgotten my tablet in New York and… And…"

"What did he tell you?"

"He never got to know because I kept it for myself. I am not sure why. I guess I didn't want to ruin his plans, especially since we needed this time together. A pregnancy doesn't happen every time you have unprotected sex. I thought I might have a chance to skip my pill, for once."

They bought a test, dropped the grocery bags in the kitchen and went upstairs to a quiet bathroom where nobody would walk in on them. The truth was that she was glad to have someone by her side, just in case; no mattered none of them dared to speak. She wasn't alone and it was yet reassuring.

"I hope it is going to turn positive."

Grace's remark took her aback.

"You picture me with a child?"

"Why, of course! Don't tell me you have never thought about it. I wouldn't believe you. I know how you always pretend not to like being surrounded by kids but... I also know that you don't really mean it."

Her embarrassment slowly vanished into a warm feeling boiling in her lower stomach and as she felt the heat rush to her cheeks, Karen smiled shyly.

"I might have thought about the idea, a few times. I mean, who hasn't? I wonder how it would be to have a child around... It might be cute, especially with Will, no?"

The alarm of her cell phone pierced the air, breaking down her sudden fantasies. Trying to ignore her shaking legs, she went to the bathroom and grabbed the stick.

"If it is a bright pink, you are pregnant. If it is baby blue then it is only a false alert."

Grace's words made their way to her brain and settled there with confusion as her hazel eyes were locked on the stick she was holding. She remained quiet, unable to speak. Her mouth was dry and all of a sudden, she felt immensely tired.

"Karen, is everything alright?"

She swallowed hard and turned around to face her friend who had made it to the door, worried.

"It is green."

With a barely hidden awkwardness they left the bathroom and headed downstairs for the dinner.

The next morning _ once back in Manhattan _ she managed to get an appointment with her gynecologist, at the end of the day. If time seemed to get suspended by then, it happened to be nothing compared to the explanation following the result of her blood sample.

The night had fallen over the city for a long time yet as she passed the door of the apartment quietly _ hoping to pass unnoticed _ but Grace was there, her coat on.

"I have a dinner with a client but I wanted to know about you first. So are you…"

Will was nowhere to be seen but probably in his room for Grace speaking so low. Biting the inside of her mouth, she shook her head.

"It was a false alert."

Her smile probably didn't sound convincing at all since Grace looked taken aback, and hurt.

"I am so sorry…"

"Don't, maybe it is better like that. Let's face it, I don't have any maternal feeling. I am not made to have babies."

Grace rolled her eyes, obviously not agreeing with her remark.

"You still should talk to Will. You need to trust him, fully."

Grace left, closing the door quietly behind her.

"Are you there, Kare?"

Without really thinking _ a bit automatically _ she headed to their bedroom without a word. Things were going better lately. Will wasn't stressed anymore and they were slowly coming back to a sweet routine. It might have not been planned, not even talked about, but for a week and a half she had held hopes over the crazy perspective to have a child.

It was weird how sometimes she couldn't prevent from fitting in the crowd, looking like any woman. And she felt fine.

Then it had fallen down without any warning and as she had left the private clinic, the only thing she had been able to think about had been the baby she hadn't kept when she was sixteen.

What if it had been her only change of a pregnancy?

She passed the door and approached him. He was sat on the bed, leafing through one of her fashion magazines. She settled by his side; met his eyes.

"Kiss me, Will."

It would only be in his arms that she would feel alive that night.


	29. A Special Someone

**Status: divorced, into a relationship or so**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: a two-bedroom apartment in The Upper West Side**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates but more and more tempted by Countryside Acres**

**Life tiles: series of failures**

_"I don't know when you became sentimental and so weak but I can tell you that I don't like it." Lois Whitley._

"What are you thinking about?"

She had awoken for quite a while and the snow hadn't stopped falling yet. She loved the quietness of the movement, its delicacy. The light was pale and the temperatures low but the whiteness of Manhattan brought a unique shade to existence, a soft one.

"About you and I… About us…"

Her whisper got absorbed in a long sigh as she rolled on her side and cuddled in his arms.

"I hope these are positive thoughts."

His lips were always warm in the morning. She could have spent hours kissing him, from a chaste lightness to a mischievous boldness that eventually led to an intimate moment shared in bed.

She didn't break the embrace this time and on the contrary eagerly threw her arms around his neck as they deepened the kiss.

"Do you ever stop?"

A falsely disgusted Jack entered the room and sat on the edge of the bed, not at all troubled by the fact his friends were obviously naked under the blanket.

"What are you doing here at this hour of the morning?"

"Well, excuse me but isn't it Christmas Eve? And, aren't you the one who required me today, Will?"

At the mention of his name she felt him get tensed against her, growing uncomfortable. He moved away from her arms, nervously cleared his voice.

"Yes, you are right. I will be ready within ten minutes."

"Are you talking about some grocery shopping? I can come with you if you want to."

"I know that you hate this kind of thing. You are going to spend the day with Grace and I see you later, okay?"

She didn't have time to reply and only watched him disappear into the bathroom as a ridiculous sentiment of disappointment spread over her heart. She needed him by her side, more than ever since the negative results of her blood samples.

The fact was the she hadn't even been late. By skipping a few days she had only modified her cycle, creating a bitter dream that had ended up exploding in the air without any warning, just like a soap bubble.

The way she had held hopes over nothing was so embarrassing that she hadn't told him anything and tried to balance the pain by an important amount of tenderness. Sometimes she wondered if he sensed anything, like a change in her behavior, but just like her Will remained quiet and simply obeyed to her desires.

…

"You are doing just fine together and it is all what matters."

Her mother had told her exactly the same a few days earlier but it hadn't changed anything and she had kept on feeling insecure, a bit lost. For the hundredth time she brought the bowl of soup to her lips but didn't taste it and shrugged at Grace's comment instead.

Someone entered the restaurant, letting the chilling air of the outside sweep away the room for a few seconds. It was a woman in her late thirties harboring the first showings of a pregnancy. Karen's hazel eyes followed the stranger until she got to sit to a table. She swallowed hard.

"What if I never have a child? Will is probably thinking about it, a lot more now that he is with me. None of us mentioned the eventuality yet but let's face it, I am sure that it has crossed his mind more than once and now I am going to disappoint him if I can't fulfill his dream."

The afternoon flew away and as the sun vanished into the dark shades of the moon _ the snow started falling again _ she headed to the Christmas tree of The Rockfeller Center, following the indications he had sent to her BlackBerry a bit earlier.

Grace had preferred to go back home and get ready for the dinner and it is alone that Karen tried to make her way through the crowd of tourists and ice-skaters. She was wondering how she would ever be able to notice him among so many people when his smile got her attention a few feet away. She didn't move and waited for him to approach, hands in the pockets of her coat.

Perhaps she was looking calm but her heart was beating loud against her chest as her feet were tapping the ground on a nervous motion.

Absurdly enough she had missed him a lot.

"Where is Jack?"

Wrapping her arms around his neck, she kissed him deeply before breaking apart and smiling brightly. He was holding bags, one from Barney's and another from Tiffany's.

"He went back to the apartment. I asked him to because I wanted to be alone with you."

She couldn't help but blush and bit the inside of her mouth immediately as if it would stop the instinctive reaction of her body. She didn't like being sentimental. It made her look stupid and weak, at the mercy of the first one who would stop by and try to get something.

"What have you bought? Is it for me?"

"You will get to know about it in a few hours, like everyone. Now come on, follow me."

His hand slid from her waist to her fingers and they walked away from the boiling cacophony of the ice-rink.

As they were pacing the street towards Times Square, she only concentrated on the fact that she wanted to kiss him, to pass her hand under his clothes to caress his skin and make of his body hers for the eternity. It reminded her of an old legend she had heard about; two lovers getting lost in the fusion of their embrace the day their souls had decided to join.

She would have wanted the same with Will.

As they entered the building, she knew exactly where they were going to. A smile on her lips she nonetheless remained quiet and held his hand tight when the doors of the elevator finally opened and the lights of Manhattan appeared from the large windows of The Rainbow Room.

They settled in a sofa overlooking the skylines, their back turned at the rest of the customers. Glasses of Champagne arrived and all of a sudden, Karen grew extremely shy.

"What are we doing here? Shouldn't you be hysterical preparing the meal in your kitchen instead of being sat next to me, drinking Champagne?"

"Do you love me, Karen?"

The seriousness of his gaze took her aback. She was the one who used to ask this question and yet it was more rhetorical than anything else. But this time it seemed different, as if he had some doubts that needed to be cleared out.

So she nodded, swallowed hard.

"Of course, I do. I am sorry if I don't say it that much… I will… I will make an effort. I am really not good with all these things. I don't know how to deal with the expression of my feelings."

The way she tried to justify herself made him laugh lightly but he eventually stopped and held her hand instead, smiling at her.

"It is just that… I have always wanted to come here on Christmas Eve with a special someone. I am glad you are the one."


	30. A Matter of Trust

**Status: divorced, into a relationship**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: a two-bedroom apartment in The Upper West Side**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates but more and more tempted by Countryside Acres**

**Life tiles: seeking for happiness with someone named Will**

_"Of course I will always be there, by your side. You are my daughter and if we can't erase the past then let's make of the future something better." Lois Whitley._

There were days easier to follow, some that seemed more logical. You opened your eyes and everything fell into place without any external help. It might have been raining or the wind blowing hard against the windows _ sweeping away the leaves of the trees _ but you didn't mind that much because thanks to an odd balance, life looked suddenly better.

"Merry Christmas…"

The sound of his voice slid softly to her ears as his lips planted a kiss on her neck. His gestures were always the same ones. While his hand came to rest on her waist, his leg passed over hers and he settled his face against her shoulder from behind.

"Merry Christmas…"

As she turned around to properly face him, successive waves of memories came back to her mind and she couldn't help but smile while thinking about the evening they had shared. It had been a sweet one, smooth. The conversation had flown between the four of them and at midnight they had opened their respective presents.

It had been odd to stand by the tree in Will's arms, getting lost in stolen gazes and soft kisses. For the very first time she had had the feeling to belong to someone, as a couple. She hadn't rushed away but instead had taken a deep breath and tried to assume it fully.

She still needed time but it seemed to be coming along, little by little.

"I have something to tell you."

His remark took her aback and automatically her heart speeded up its pace. They barely shared any important conversation in bed and yet by the tone he had used, she could say that he was alluding to a serious matter.

"What is it?"

She looked at him move nervously by her side, clear his voice then take a deep breath that he eventually let go out without saying a word. As he grabbed her hand, she noticed how he was shaking. It wasn't reassuring.

"I wanted to apologize for having been distant lately. It wasn't against you, on the contrary. I was trying to understand a few things like the reason why I was with you, why you are the only woman whom I am attracted to when nothing else has actually changed. I wasn't having doubts but I wanted to have some answers about a situation that didn't make sense."

"And have you found an explanation?"

"No but there is still something sure: I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I talked about it to your mother. Actually we met a few times and she helped me to take a decision, to make the ultimate step towards the most mysterious logic of my life… And that's why I am asking you now if you would like to be my wife. I know that we don't need to get married, that you have divorced a few times and perhaps you don't feel like going through it all over again but still, would you like to marry me, Karen?"

From this moment she got carried away into a whirl of effervescence. The wedding would take place in March, which left them three months to prepare everything. It wouldn't be an important ceremony but more of an intimate one with only a few guests who really mattered to them; discarding church for not matching their true believes.

For her highest pleasure she spent a lot of time with her mother who had never attending any of her previous weddings. It had taken them all these years to finally make peace and enjoy each other's presence and even though she remained quiet over it, Karen couldn't help thinking that she was touched, happy.

And before she had enough time to actually realize what was happening, the day of the wedding arrived.

"I love you."

Will kissed her and left the apartment with Jack. She wouldn't see him again before the ceremony in Central Park, near the bench where they had shared their first kiss. The sky was blue and a slight breeze was dancing through the trees, singing a sweet melody she wanted to engrave in her mind for the rest of her life.

Finally alone, she sighed happily and rolled on her side in bed. As her eyes stopped on the wedding bands, she bit her lower lip to prevent some tears from falling. They were her parents' ones and the surprise that had spread over her as her mother had offered the rings a month earlier hadn't gone away yet. She had been touched by the gesture and implicitly accepted quiet apologies over several decades of angst.

"I am not sure that today is supposed to be a lazy day. You should get up now."

Grace appeared on the doorframe of the room, arms crossed on her chest. She had taken the news of the wedding very well but sometimes Karen couldn't help wondering if these weren't just appearances she kept on in order to avoid losing Will.

"Yes, you are right. I am going to have a shower. When my mother arrives, tell her to join me here. I want to talk to her, thank her for all the things she did."

She got up and was heading to the bathroom when her cell phone rang. She grabbed it absent-mindedly and opened the message that had just been sent.

_Sorry Kiki but I can't make it to the wedding, I am heading to Cali. Have a nice day…_

_Your dear mommy_

Everything seemed to stop, to get suspended if not just killed as she read the missive. A chill ran down her spine as her blood turned icy and she remained still, unable to move.

"What is the problem?"

Grace's voice resounded loud in her back but she didn't find the strength to turn around then face her properly. Something began to boil in her lower stomach, pressing against her throat. She swallowed hard, shaking uncontrollably.

"Karen, what is happening? Please, say something! I am afraid we can't afford to lose time now. I mean as soon as your mother passes the door we have to head to the hotel and…"

For some reason she looked down at her feet and focalized on the fairness of her skin that contrasted so much with the hardwood floor. It sounded stupid.

"She is not coming."

Against all expectations, she had almost screamed it but on a very cold tone, extremely controlled, which didn't match at all with the scene because deep inside herself, everything had just broken into pieces.


	31. The Story Gets Repeated

**Status: divorced, engaged**

**Job: career path, no degree required, interior designer's assistant**

**Children: two step-children, a boy and a girl**

**Properties owned: a two-bedroom apartment in The Upper West Side**

**Retirement: Millionaire Estates but more and more tempted by Countryside Acres**

**Life tiles: broken heart, fragile dreams**

_"You know that I am never that far and if one day you feel down, a bit sad, then keep in mind that I will always come back." Lois Whitley._

**March, 2004**

"Karen, open the door!"

She had stopped staring at the mirror for a few minutes now and had sat down on the floor instead, her feet under her legs in a protective gesture.

Her throat hurt, as well as her eyes but for some reason her face remained dried and she didn't manage to cry. Her breath was calm and even low but she was cold, felt dizzy.

She had rushed to the bathroom and locked the door as soon as she had dropped the news to Grace. The sudden urge to be alone had been emphasized by the shame and embarrassment her mother's absence had stirred up and within a second she hadn't been able to face anyone anymore. It might have been ridiculous but she felt stupid, absurd.

Stifled voices pierced through the door but she couldn't overhear anything properly. Obviously Grace wasn't alone anymore and for a few seconds, Karen hoped that she hadn't called Will.

"Karen, open this fucking stupid door now. I haven't come all the way from the South to assist to a drama like this one."

Leaned against the bathtub, she couldn't help smiling brightly at Madeline's indecency. Since the last time the teenager had visited them in New York, they had kept in touch with an odd regularity and it had been according to a limpid logic that Karen had invited her to the wedding. Her presence meant a lot, for a thousand reasons.

Very slowly but without an ounce of hesitation, Karen stood up and opened the door to let the young girl enter; barely restraining a gasp before Madeline's ebony hair. Perhaps things weren't going so well for the teenager who seemed to hide herself more and more behind an artificial darkness.

"How come you haven't taken your shower yet? Just because you are getting married doesn't mean that you have to let yourself go."

She would have wished nothing but to reply on the same joking tone but her heart felt heavy unless it was her body that was too light. She couldn't say exactly though the result remained completely unbalanced.

"She isn't coming."

She fixed her hands intently, looking how her fingers were all twisted, harshly intertwined. Madeline sighed and sat down on a basket, barely noticing the pile of dirty clothes in it.

"So everything is supposed to stop because she isn't here? This is your life, Karen, not hers. I understand that you are disappointed but it isn't a reason to put an end to all your dreams, to what makes you really happy. Don't ruin it all because of one of her whims."

"But she is my mother, she should be here."

"If there is something you taught me last summer is that no matters she could do, a mother is still a mother and keeps on loving you. She might not be perfect and even hurt you but deep inside she only wants the best for you. I am sure that if Lois didn't come up today it is in part because she knew that you would do just fine and she wasn't needed. She wasn't angry, you hadn't argued… She simply knew that you had made the right choice and it was time for you to start a life without her constantly by your side."

…

I would lie if I didn't say that I had doubts until the last moment, mainly wondering if I would be able to go through it without her. But as I opened the door and Will turned around, giving me one of those smiles I could spend the rest of my life dying for, I knew that it would be alright; that we would do just fine.

For a moment I remained bare, never understanding where Madeline found her maturity, the strength that seemed to irradiate as soon as she started speaking. All of a sudden she ceased to be this teenager looking desperately for her identity and turned into a more mature person who seemed to be able to handle everything. Perhaps if we had known since the very beginning that she was sick, it would have sounded logical.

But she never told us, never complained about anything.

She died of leukemia a few months after Will and I got married.

According to the last news, my mother is still in California. She hasn't come back to Manhattan but hasn't disappeared from my life either. She can't and I know it.

And when I feel down, a bit sad because she isn't here, I close my eyes and think about the last time I talked to Madeline. She was weak, her breath short and loud but she still had this pertinence that made her so unique.

"The wind changes its direction without any warning. The wheel of fortune turns and stops on your next move. Life is a game, Karen; the best we have ever been given. So enjoy it as much as you can and if you happen to look at the past with melancholy, think about the fact that sometimes, the story gets repeated."

I am pregnant. If it is a girl, we will call her Madeline.


End file.
